The Humor List

Digest for Friday, April 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Bad News (George Matyjewicz)
2. Singing in Ukraine <political> (Lee Bradley)
3. Age by car radio (Anna Welander)
4. Homework/Report Excuses (Anna Welander)
5. Mr. Wright <adult> (Emko Witteveen)
6. A new superhero (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. The Animal Banquet <long> (Stan Kegel)
8. Too much (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2014 12:43:28 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Bad News

A man was very ill and on the verge of dying. The doctor called the man's wife in and said, "There are three things that you can do to help your husband back to health."

"What are they, sir?"

"One: You must make him three huge meals every day. Two: Never argue with him. Three: Make love to him every night."

"I understand," said the woman.

On the way home when the husband asked what the doctor said, the woman replied, "Sorry, honey, but you aren't going to make it."

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2014 13:30:03 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Singing in Ukraine <political>

Thanks to Brother Jon and to Arthur Freed (original lyrics, "Singin' in the Rain") and Nacio Herb Brown

I'm singing in Ukraine.
I'm singing in Ukraine.
What a glorious feeling;
We're on top, once again.

I'm laughing at NATO.
And the EU, even so,
as the UN I'll veto,
to show I'm ready for mo', for mo'.

Let the storm troopers chase
Everyone from the place.
Come on, there's lots to gain.
I've a smile on my face.
I'm rolling o'er Ukraine
with this happy refrain.
I'm singing, singing in Ukraine.

I'm singing in Ukraine.
Just singing in Ukraine.
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again
I take over some more
With a happy refrain
Like singing, singing in Ukraine!

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2014 20:28:43 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Age by car radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldies station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach your 30s, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button and until you hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldies station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music."

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2014 20:36:40 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Homework/Report Excuses

If a school morning has rolled around and your kid hasn't done his homework (or if you're a kid and you haven't done your homework), don't sweat it. Just use one of these handy excuses and everything will be peachy-keen! (Note: With a little clever modification, you can also use any of the following to explain why you didn't turn in that report to your boss.)

1. "I didn't do my history homework because my therapist says I shouldn't dwell on the past."
2. "I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad."
3. "I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy yesterday."
4. "My best friend fell into a swiftly moving river and I had to jump in after him. I was holding my homework. It was either him or the homework. Don't you think I chose wisely?"
5. "My mom used it as a dryer sheet."
6. "My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized."
7. "I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload."
8. "I made it into a paper airplane and it got hijacked."
9. "I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard working teachers."
10. "We had homework?"

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 01:31:27 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Mr. Wright <adult>

A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client - Mr Wright - would be hung later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife. "You're home late. And you're tracking mud all over the place...For gods sake, take off your shoes!" "Look, I've had a hard day at work, can you just leave me alone?" After some mumbling from his wife, the lawyer walks upstairs to take a bath.

A while later, the phone rings, and the wife answers, to be greeted by her husbands boss, who explains that due to the appearance of new evidence, Mr Wright isn't going to be hung that night. Realising what a hard day her husband must have had, she goes upstairs to tell her husband the news, she opens the bathroom door to see her husband bending over drying his feet, balls dangling between his legs. "They're not hanging Wright tonight."


The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 10:40:57 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: A new superhero

My fellow Superheroes,
I decided to to something for the community and become a superhero myself.

During the day I am a pensioner, but at night I go out as The Scarlet Rooster and fight crime.

It's a flurry of red feathers, talons, and beak, not to mention my fear-inspiring clucking that keep the streets safe.

The locals have given me another name; they call me The PoppyCock. I think it's nice, poppy is a flower and it's red.

Now, tell me about yourselves and your crime-fighting exploits.

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Message: 7
Date: Sat, 5 Apr 2014 04:47:47 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Animal Banquet <long>

A group of animals made a reservation for a banquet at the city's most exclusive and expensive restaurant. They were sent to a beautifully decorated banquet room where they were served the finest gourmet cuisine each according to his own dietary preferences. When the animals were brought the bill, this is how they responded:

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I only have a scent."
The gopher said, "Sorry, but I've been in a hole."
The duck said, "Just put it on my bill."
The pelican complained, "My bill is much too large."
The sardine said, "I can't pay. My boss called and I've been canned."
The crow said, "I was warned there would be a murder if I pay this bill."
The squid stated he would have signed a check, but he was out of ink.
The deer said, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."
The gopher said, "I'm in the hole right now."
The ram said, "I was expecting ewe to pay."
The cuckoo said, "I can't. I lost my nest egg."
The frog said, "I've only got one greenback."
The porcupine was thinking, "Which one can I stick for the check?"
The snake said, "It's hiss turn to pay."
The pig said, "Sorry but I can't contribute. I didn't bring home the bacon this month."
The dove treated the bill like a plague.
The rhinoceros said: "Don't worry. When the waiter comes, I'll just charge it."
The amoeba said, "I've got to split now."
The paramecium said, "I'll split it with him."
The sponge said, "I can't absorb the cost."
The ferret said, "It's none of my business."
The groundhog said, "If you let me go I shadow you a favor."
The grizzly said, "I'm barely getting along."
The koala said, "And I'm just a little bare right now."
The turtle said, "I shell pay next time."
And the snail said, "I can't shell out either."
The goose said, "I'm down on my luck."
The owl asked, "Whooo? Me?"
The elephant said, "I left what I had in my trunk."
The tapeworm said, "I am flat broke today."
The manx cat said, "I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short."
The dachshund said, "I'm very short, and I've got be to getting a long."
The pigeon said, "I can only make a deposit right now."
The dolphin said, "I didn't leave my wallet at home on porpoise."
The cow said, "You'll have to ask one of the udders. I got no mooo-lah."
The electric eel was asked if he could charge it. He answered, "Don't be shocked, but my account is not current."
The bumblebee said "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzz off."
The zebra said, "It's all black and white. I can't change my stripes because I haven't got the bread."
The mule asked if he would get a kick-back.
The kangaroo said, "I left home with an empty pouch."
The giraffe said, "It just is too high for me."
The starfish insisted that as a celebrity, he be comp't.
The mussel said, "Ah, balon-e."
The other mollusks just clammed up.
The chameleon was nowhere to be seen.
The beaver got up to leave and said, "I'll be damned if I'll pay. You'll have to ask one of the otters. But it's been nice gnawing you."
The chicken, in a foul mood, laid it on the line, "I think you're all so cheep."
Finally the lion said, "I'm not a cheetah. I'll pay it. I've still got my pride."
(By Stan Kegel inspired by "Animals in a Bar" by Richard Lederer & Jim Ertner)

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 5 Apr 2014 09:15:45 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Too much

You know someone's drinking too much when you offer them wine, beer or whiskey and they say, "yes"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert