The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Drinking Preferences (Lanny Julian)
2. Anger Management (George Matyjewicz)
3. Jewish Mothers <stereotyping/adult> (Topolski, Leonard P.)
4. Telephone Survey (Lanny Julian)
5. Doctor Doolittle I Ain't <adult> (Paul Benoit)
6. Puns of the Day 04-03-14 <adultish> (Stan Kegel)
7. News from Microsoft (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. Stories With Morals (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 12:37:24 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Drinking Preferences

A recent quote from a 90-something-year-old lady: "For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. When I have a cold I drink schnapps."

"When do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick!"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 12:44:05 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Anger Management

My younger brother, I explained to a friend, had quite a temper as a boy. Our parents had tried extra love, attention and patience on him, with little success. Then, in the middle of one of his tantrums, they simply handed him a shovel, pointed to the backyard and instructed him to go out and dig and not come back until he had control of his anger.

"Apparently," I said, "the therapy worked, because he's turned out very nicely."

"What does he do for a living?" my friend asked.

"He builds in-ground swimming pools."

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 18:13:08 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Jewish Mothers <stereotyping/adult>

Why was Moses' Jewish Mother so happy?
She not only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!

What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.

What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
"Who catered it?"

What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
Gefiltered.

What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
Guilt

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Why are Jewish Mothers always excused from jury duty?
They all insist that they're the guilty ones.

Why are there so few Jewish Mothers who are alcoholics?
Because alcohol dulls the pain.

What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish Mother.

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out."

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 2 Apr 2014 22:15:55 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Telephone Survey

Last month, the U.N. conducted a survey. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2014 06:11:24 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Doctor Doolittle I Ain't <adult>

An elephant lay in his bunk,
In slumber his chest rose and sunk,
He snored and he snored
Till the jungle folks roared-
Then his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

There once was a beautiful collie,
The family initially named Polly,
When the pooch rolled over,
They renamed it Rover,
As Polly was awfully bally.

A randy marsupial named Reeves,
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees,
When they'd asked him for money,
He'd say, "Listen honey,
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2014 03:28:20 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Puns of the Day 04-03-14 <adultish>

A mohel, while pealing some strips,
During bris, is well known for his quips:
"For cheap circumcision,
There"s lots of derision.
I mostly just work for the tips."
(Ira Bloom)

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.

David sees a therapist. During a session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?" "I have a lot of issues with sex," David replies. "What kind of issues?" "Oh, mostly Hustler, Playboy, and Penthouse."

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," she was the first one to click 'Like'."

Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband. The poor king can take only one step at a time, while the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "Yes!"

Hurrying to finish her shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet pavement and fell to the ground. A passing vicar helped her to her feet, saying, "This is the first time I have picked up a fallen woman!" To which she replied, "And this is the first time I have been picked up by a man of the cloth."

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 12:43:07 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: News from Microsoft

In the news:
Microsoft to bring back Start menu, windowed apps to Windows

Suggested names for the operating system:
Finally Windows!
Windows Retro
Windows 3.2 (The OS users really loved)
Windows Not 8
Windows ASS (Apple Still Sucks)

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 3 Apr 2014 11:34:06 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Stories With Morals

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle
wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

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