The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, March 29, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Another Paddy Adventure (Lanny Julian)
2. Things to do in a drive-through lane, part 2 (Anna Welander)
3. Easy cure (George Matyjewicz)
4. Lip Service (Stan Kegel)
5. Not So Clean (Paul Benoit)
6. Male Dating Site (Gerry Skau)

Message: 1
Date: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 12:14:10 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Another Paddy Adventure

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 17:57:21 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Things to do in a drive-through lane, part 2

Repeat everything the order-taker says.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 20:48:53 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Easy cure

Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said. "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in a week. I'm going crazy."

"Come to me three times a week and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

Six months later, the doctor met Joe on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?"

"A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 02:47:53 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Lip Service

A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character, and presentation, was suffering from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a medication prescribed by her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective.

After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced the arrival of the returning patient to the doctor: "It's the super gal with fragile lips expecting extra doses."

"Lip Service" from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (2007)

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman from "Mary Poppins" by Walt Disney Studios. (1964)

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 08:30:57 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Not So Clean

It was early Sunday morning, and two nuns were taking a bath before mass.

The first one says, "Where's the soap?"

The second one replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it...."

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 14:03:09 -0400 (EDT)
From: Gerry Skau
Subject: Male Dating Site

So I found this new dating site for the busy male, it promises to compress a 3 year relationship into a 3 hour online experience! Here's how it works:

The site links you up with a female who is roughly compatible with you. Then:

The first hour she tells you what a wonderful, remarkable individual you are and that she's never met anyone like you.

The second hour she criticizes everything you think, do, say or write while rolling her eyes.

The third hour she tells you that you are too rigid, the two of you have absolutely nothing in common, and she never wants to see you again.

After that you argue with the site about the right amount of alimony.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert