The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, March 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Vlad-I-Am <long> (Lee Bradley)
2. Kid's test answers (George Matyjewicz)
3. The veterinarian (Grady Lacy)
4. Lessons (Paul Benoit)
5. THE DIETER'S PSALM (Stan Kegel)
6. Little Johnny <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 12:25:08 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Vlad-I-Am <long>

from Brother Jon:

"Ex-Soviet Lands"
By Dr. Rus

I am Vlad.
Vlad I am.
Should I take
ex-Soviet lands?

You should not take them,
Vlad-I-am.
You should not take
ex-Soviet lands.

Should I take one
here or there?

You should not take one
here or there.
You should not take one
anywhere.

Should I take one
like Ukraine,
sending troops in
on a train?

You should not take one
like Ukraine.
You should not send
troops in by train.

Should I take one
like Moldova,
using tanks
to roll them over?

You should not take one
like Moldova
or use your tanks
to roll them over.

You should not take one
here or there.
You should not take one
anywhere.
You should not take
ex-Soviet lands.
You should not take them,
Vlad-I-am.

Should I take
my old home: Berlin?
I have a veto
at the U.N.

Or should I take
the nations Baltic?
Would that not be
tr?s symbolique?

Don't take Berlin
or veto the U.N.
Don't take the Baltics.
Such sham-bolics!

Would taking Poland
cause such drama
as to upset
Barack Obama?

You must take back
just what you've said.
Your perspective's
turning "red."

You should not take lands
like the Ukraine.
Do not send troops
in by train.

Send in no tanks
to roll them over.
You're not loved
in old Moldova.

Leave the Baltics.
Leave Berlin.
We can censure
at the U.N.

You should not take
ex-Soviet lands.
You should take
them, Vlad-I-am.

To recreate
the Warsaw Pact,
now's not the time
for you to act.

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 12:41:31 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Kid's test answers

Q. What ended in 1896?
A. 1895

Q. Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom.

Q. For extra credit: What is the strongest force on earth?
A. Love

Q. Answer this: I earn money at home by...
A. I don't. I am a freeloader.

Q. Cause and Effect. Cause: Tony practices the piano 20 minutes every day.
A. Effect: He is a big nerd.

Q. Why are there rings on Saturn?
A. Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Q. Science. The first cells were probably...?
A. Lonely.

Q, What would you say to or ask Abraham Lincoln?
A. I'd tell him not to go to a play ever.

Q. Please write any overall comments about this course or instructor not covered above.
A. If I had one hour to live, I'd spend it in this class because it feels like an eternity.

Q. Miranda can't see anything when she looks down her microscope. Suggest one reason why not.
A. She is blind

Q. Briefly explain what hard water is.
A. Ice

Q. What are the three things you want to do in the future?
A. 1. get a girlfriend. 2. kiss her. 3. rule the world

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 12:43:23 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: The veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her..

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church"

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 06:10:03 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Lessons

This kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I really want to learn to play the bass. They've got lessons at school. Can I have a bass and an amp?"

Dad gets that Serious Fatherly Look, says, "Well, son, that's a big investment. I'd want to know you're going to stick with it," etc.

Kid promises he will. They go out and get an ax and amp.

Next day, Dad says, "How'd the bass lesson go?"

Kid says, "We learned time signatures. This is 4/4," and proceeds to go thump thump thump thump on the open E string.

Dad says, "Good, son, stick with it."

Following day, Dad says, "What did you learn in school?"

Kid says, "Octaves. Look," and plays low and high Es. Thump THUMP Thump THUMP.

"Good, son, stick with it," says Dad.

Following day, kid comes home, Dad asks what he learned in school. Kid looks down and confesses, "I, uh, skipped school today, Dad. I had a gig."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 05:19:25 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: THE DIETER'S PSALM

The lord is my shepherd I shall not want.
He maketh me lie down and do push ups.
He giveth me sodium-free bread.
He maketh me to partake of green beans instead of potatoes.
He leadeth me past the refrigerator for mine own sake.
He leadeth me past the pizzeria.
Yes, though I walk through the bakery,
I shall not falter, for Thou art with me.
Thy diet colas, they comfort me,
Thou preparest a diet for me in the presence of mine enemies,
Thou anointed my lettuce with low fat oil.
My cup shall not overflow.
Surely Ry-Krisp and D-Zerta shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will live with pains of hunger forever.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 15:34:02 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Little Johnny <adult>

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do - screw him?"

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