The Humor List

Digest for Monday, March 24, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Out of the mouths of Babes (Lanny Julian)
2. More Gentile Jokes <offensive to Gentiles and Jews> (Phil G)
3. Virginia & Luigi's Honeymoon! <adultish> (Lanny Julian)
4. Money From Home (George Matyjewicz)
5. Whoa, Wake The Heck Up!! (Paul Benoit)
6. Top 10 Caddy Replies (George Matyjewicz)
7. Puns of the Day 03-25-14 (Stan Kegel)

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2014 13:10:38 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Out of the mouths of Babes

We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny. From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does ... "A f r i c a n Elephant"

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2014 16:44:04 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: More Gentile Jokes <offensive to Gentiles and Jews>

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (with more pride): "My son is a truck driver! Isn't it nice to have such hard-working children?"

A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile friend.
The friend asks, "How's your son?"
The woman says, "He's fine, thank you. He was 40 last week."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"Oh, he lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
The friend says, "How nice."

A Gentile man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."

A Gentile couple goes to an expensive restaurant to celebrate their 20th Anniversary.
The husband says to the waiter, "I'll have a steak and a baked potato. My wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee."
The waiter responds, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?"
The man says "I'd like the steak medium. The salad will be fine as is."
The woman says nothing.
The waiter says: "Thank you."

Part 2:
The entrees are served. The steak is overcooked. The waiter returns and asks how everything is.
The Gentile wife says nothing.
The Gentile husband is somewhat embarrassed and feels a bit intimidated by the waiter and his surroundings. He tells the waiter everything was wonderful and leaves him a 30% tip.

A 22 year-old Gentile tells his mother he's fallen deeply in love.
"How wonderful," she says. "I can't wait to meet her. I just know I'll love her, too."

A Gentile comes home for Christmas and announces to his parents that he is leaving medical school to join the Marines.
His father says, "That's admirable, son."
His mother says, "We are so proud of you."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2014 20:14:43 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Virginia & Luigi's Honeymoon! <adultish>

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket - the conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice, 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2014 20:16:34 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Money From Home

Jim called up his Mom from college and asked her for some money because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your biology book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, OK." Jim replied.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she got back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 06:24:20 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Whoa, Wake The Heck Up!!

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Mrs. Perfesser's butt must've fallen asleep.....
I can hear it snoring.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 07:21:57 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth."

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 05:00:21 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Puns of the Day 03-25-14

Engineer learned the energy rules
And would monitor units with tools.
Father, brother, and he
Watch house current to see
What is known as the family joules.
(kirk miller)

When Shakespeare discovered he was losing all his hair, he said, "Toupee or not toupee? That is the question."

Despite all urging, the lab rat stubbornly refused to perform the assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered and wended his maze. (Nanette Jay)

There is a new discotheque that opened in Jerusalem. It's called 'Let My People Go-Go'.

At the French bakery, the clerk was going to place my small purchases in a very large sack. I informed her that the large sack was not needed, a baguette would suffice. (Lars Hanson)

Members of the air duct installers union have lots of opportunity to vent.

The man who made a fortune on mass-producing gourmet broths is now a bouillonaire. (Stan Kegel)

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert