The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, March 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Goodbye Pete (George Matyjewicz)
2. Reasons for being fired from Toys R Us (Adultish) (Anna Welander)
3. When Nuns Get Cross <adult/religiously offensive> (Mickey)
4. Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political> (Phil G)
5. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Going Fishing? <adultish> (Paul Benoit)
7. Puns of the Day 03-21-14 (Stan Kegel)
8. Opinion Column Humor <political> (Phil G)
9. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
10. I want you to moan <adult> (Fred Strathmann)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 12:23:05 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Goodbye Pete

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary.

She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars.

But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 18:33:22 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Reasons for being fired from Toys 'R Us (Adultish)

15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils"; of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 07:59:48 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: When Nuns Get Cross <adult/religiously offensive>

A car full of Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 17:15:41 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political>

By way of James Taranto's column...
"The mayhem inside city jails is especially striking given the historic declines in rates of homicide and other violent crimes outside of them."
--Michael Schwirtz, New York Times, March 19

(NOTE: "Fox Butterfield, Is That You?" is the satiric title given by Taranto to headlines and/or news stories that are ironically funny (and unintentionally so). "Butterfield" refers to New York Times crime reporter Fox Butterfield, who was responsible for such stories as "More Inmates, Despite Drop In Crime," and "Number in Prison Grows Despite Crime Reduction," not to mention the poetic 1997 header, "Crime Keeps on Falling, but Prisons Keep on Filling.")

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 09:34:28 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Moscow responded to President Obama's expansion of sanctions against Russian officials by banning nine American leaders from entering the country, including Speaker John A. Boehner.

Sarah Palin is not included in the ban, as Vladimir Putin regards her as "a neighbor."

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 06:15:57 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Going Fishing? <adultish>

A fisherman was complaining to his friend:
"That frickin' neighbor of mine.... when I go fishing, he goes over and 'visits' my wife.
And then when I stay at home, he checks my fishnets!"

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 04:01:45 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Puns of the Day 03-21-14

I promised to teach her a song
Last night if she put on a thong
On my cello she strummed
At the g-string I thumbed
Oh what fun just to string her along
(Jon Gearhart)

I had a nostalgic English teacher who found the past perfect and the present tense.

A friend of mine tried to build a gear box for his car using nothing but dried grass. It was never going to work. I think he was clutching at straws.

"Now look, son. You're too hot-blooded," the old man said. "You'll have to cool down before I agree to leave you my fortune!" "But pop! How can I do that?" "Buy an heir conditioner!" (David R. Yale)

Why do women gain weight after they get married? Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

Mahatma Gandhi never wore anything on his feet, and he ate so little that he developed delicate health and bad breath. The result was a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

A wanted member of Al-Qaida, fled Bagdad for safety in Iran. He discovered to his chagrin that the mountainous terrain blocked his escape route. He was caught between Iraq and a hard place? (Charles Wukasch)

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 08:27:37 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Opinion Column Humor <political>

From Charles Krauthammer...
During the Ukrainian prime minister's visit to Washington last week, his government urgently requested military assistance. The Pentagon refused. It offered instead military ration kits.

Putin mobilizes thousands of troops, artillery and attack helicopters on Ukraine's borders and Washington counters with food. One thing we can say for sure in these uncertain times: The invasion of Ukraine will be catered by the United States.

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 14:41:46 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Vladimir Putin declares his love for Sarah Palin, annexes Alaska

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Message: 10
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 12:07:00 -0400
From: Fred Strathmann
Subject: I want you to moan <adult>

Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife. I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Morris says, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."

Sadie says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex." They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, Sadie says, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"

He says, "No, not yet."

He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?"

He says, "No, I'll tell you when."

He climbs on top of her and starts working away.

She says, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"

He says, "Wait, wait ... I'll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan..."

She says, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had ..."

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