The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Curtain Rods (George Matyjewicz)
2. Church feud (Anna Welander)
3. Humility (Anna Welander)
4. Campaign Advice for November <political> (Phil G)
5. Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure! <adultish> (Lanny Julian)
6. LEXOPHILES (Mickey)
7. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. It's Spring!! (Paul Benoit)
9. You Might Be A Lutheran If (Off to Lutherans ... maybe others/long) (Anna Welander)
10. A Woman's Guide To Understanding Men (Anna Welander)
11. Leroy and the Gator (Lanny Julian)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 12:08:13 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything from cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods with them!

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 21:19:34 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Church feud

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 21:22:16 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Humility

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."

Dumbfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 21:09:57 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Campaign Advice for November <political>

From Ann Coulter...
I think all Republican candidates should be trained with shock collars and cattle prods to automatically respond, upon hearing some combination of the words "abortion," "rape" and "incest": "Yes, of course there should be exceptions in the case of rape or incest, and I also support giving rapists the death penalty, unlike my Democratic opponent, who wants to give rapists the right to vote. Now, back to what I was saying about Obamacare.

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 21:57:35 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure! <adultish>

- Translated as only they can. A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 17:49:28 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: LEXOPHILES

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

- When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A
- The batteries were given out free of charge
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail
- A will is a dead giveaway
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
- A boiled egg is hard to beat
- When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall
- Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year- old was resisting a rest
- Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye
- Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it
- And the cream of the wretched crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 08:57:44 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Ukraine draws up plan to withdraw soldiers from Crimea, Russian soldiers instructed to behave and not to make clucking sounds

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 06:33:19 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: It's Spring!!

FIRST DAY OF SPRING: "TO DO" LIST
- Shovel walk
- Scrape windshield
- Break icicles off gutters
- Shovel snow off roof
- Salt sidewalk
- Defrost water pipes
- Reschedule cancelled airline reservations
- Chip ice off car door
- Have frozen car towed to garage to defrost radiator
- Put groundhog in oven w/BBQ sauce

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Message: 9
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 12:48:46 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: You Might Be A Lutheran If (Off to Lutherans ... maybe others/long)

...you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
...peas in your tuna noodle hot dish add too much color.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hot dish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...when you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
...it's time to change a light bulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers - one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."
...your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "the holy city."
...you're at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
...the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus."
...at the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you respond "and also with you."
...you notice the Kool-Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation Bible School season.
...you wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of coffee and donuts.
...you sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
...a line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker maintenance."
...your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true."
...it's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after services.
...you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.
...you're 57 years old and your parents still won't let you date a Catholic.
...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before, don't do it.
...you make your hot dishes with cream of mushroom soup and your salads with Jell-O.
...you think tuna hot dish is a gourmet meal.
...you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
...change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church.
...you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.
...the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee.
...your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo.
...you can't have a meeting without having a meal.
...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.

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Message: 10
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 12:53:29 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: A Woman's Guide To Understanding Men

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

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Message: 11
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 09:41:06 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Leroy and the Gator

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want It," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options.

Again Leroy said, "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch that pushed me in the pool!"

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