The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, March 17, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. A FEW IRISH TOASTS (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
2. Blarney Stone <adultish> (George Matyjewicz)
3. How Could They?! <political satire> (Paul Benoit)
4. Marijuana Marriage (adultish) (Mickey)
5. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Puns of the Day 03-18-14 (Stan Kegel)
8. Time (Paul Benoit)
9. "No" means "No!" (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 09:20:20 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: A FEW IRISH TOASTS

May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.
++++++++++++++++

May those that love us, love us;
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts;
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
may He turn their ankles
so we'll know them by their limping.
++++++++++++++++

Here's to the wine we love to drink, and the food we like to eat.
Here's to our wives and sweethearts, let's pray they never meet.
Here's champagne for our real friends And real pain for our sham friends.
And when this life is over, may all of us find peace.
++++++++++++++++

In all this world, why I do think
There are five reasons why we drink:
Good friends,
good wine,
lest we be dry
and any other reason why.
++++++++++++++++

May the winds of fortune sail you,
May you sail a gentle sea.
May it always be the other guy
who says, "This drink's on me."
++++++++++++++++

Of all my favorite things to do,
the utmost is to have a brew.
My love grows for my foamy friend,
with each thirst-quenching elbow bend.
Beer's so frothy, smooth and cold--
It's paradise--pure liquid gold.
Yes, beer means many things to me...
That's all for now, I gotta pee!

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 2
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 12:25:22 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Blarney Stone <adultish>

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 3
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 16:33:28 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: How Could They?! <political satire>

CNN Apologizes for Briefly Airing Non-Flight 370 Story
by Andy Borowitz www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport

CNN apologized to its viewers today for briefly airing a story on Sunday that had nothing to do with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.

The story, which caused thousands of viewers to contact the network in anger, had something to do with Crimea, Ukraine, and Russia.

In the official apology, CNN chief Jeff Zucker wrote, "On Sunday, we briefly cut away from our nonstop coverage of Flight 370 to talk about something else. We're not going to sugarcoat it: we messed up. CNN regrets the error and promises our viewers that it won't happen again."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 4
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 20:38:25 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Marijuana Marriage (adultish)

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed two laws - legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 5
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 09:33:36 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

US and EU imposes travel bans against 21 officials from Russia and Ukraine -- officials devastated for being prevented to go shopping at Harrods and Bloomingdale's

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 6
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 09:54:35 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Vladimir Putin signs decree that recognizes independence of Republic of Crimea and acknowledges the US and the EU as tedious but harmless busybodies

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 7
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 03:18:06 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Puns of the Day 03-18-14

Though the auto could go really fast,
Its new owner was really aghast.
Before auto was sold
'Twas a taxi, he's told.
So he learned of his car's checkered past.
(Kirk Miller)

I used my credit card to pay for the electric car because I wanted to charge it.

Maybe it's Maybelline, but what if it isn't? People shouldn't just makeup these insinuations. (Dona Campbell)

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is pure prawnography. (Stan Kegel)

PARADIGM SHIFT: When you move two 10 cent coins from one pocket to another.

In all probability, a Mafia recruit would be called "A Likely Hood."

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. (Mike Bull)

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 8
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 06:27:36 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Time

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Einstein said, "The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."
Okay, but is there a *good* reason?

- The Old Perfesser

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index


Message: 9
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 08:11:26 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: "No" means "No!"

A pretty little centipede was on her way back home when a mean boy centipede jumps her and tries to have his way with her. "No!" she cries out, "A HUNDRED TIMES NO!"

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index



 
 
ARCHIVE NAVIGATION
TRAFFIC REPORT
MONTHLY
ARCHIVE HOME
MONTHY POST INDEXES
TRAFFIC REPORT
YEARLY
MAIN SITE NAVIGATION
HOME SUBSCRIBE THE RULES F.A.Q.
TRAFFIC REPORT CONTRIBUTORS HISTORY BIOGRAPHIES
 
CONTACT
DOUG HARTER
WEBMASTERS
Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert
CONTACT
SANDY(AKA MsSam)