The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, March 14, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Bad Advice (George Matyjewicz)
2. A Bee Sting (adult) (Mickey)
3. Dear Diary <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. The Thirteenth Marriages <adult> (Stan Kegel)
5. Don't Go There (Paul Benoit)
6. SEX IN THE AGE OF TECHNOLOGY <Adult, May be insulting to males> (Sandy (AKA MsSam))

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 12:37:40 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Bad Advice

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 06:59:12 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: A Bee Sting (adult)

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your feet were too far apart."

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 10:57:49 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adult>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Yesterday it was Bingo evening at the Church.

Eventually, one of the ladies shouted "Bingo!" and the old lady next to me muttered, "F**k me!"

When all the commotion died down, how could I have possibly known that it was not an invitation?

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 03:24:05 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Thirteenth Marriages <adult>

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hot el and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ... God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer. I know I'm going to get screwed!

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 08:43:19 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Don't Go There

MAN ADVICE #78
When a woman says, "Just do what you want," do NOT - under any circumstances - do what you want.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 06:19:57 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: SEX IN THE AGE OF TECHNOLOGY <Adult, May be insulting to males>

What do men do after an orgasm?
1% Do it for a second time.
1% Go get something to eat.
1% Fall asleep.
97% Clear browser history.

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