The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, March 13, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Religion (Emko Witteveen)
2. A few notes on aging (George Matyjewicz)
3. Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political> (Phil G)
4. Drinks (adultish) (Mickey)
5. The '50 Political Lesson <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Weatherman? Hah!! (Paul Benoit)
7. Humerus News of the day 03-14-14 <some political/long>(Stan Kegel)
9. Jump <adultish> (Lee Bradley)
10. Miss Maggie T (Marsha Coleman)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 10:30:35 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Religion

Three priests are out to lunch. One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church, "I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."

The second priest relates to the first, "I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."

The third priest says, "Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 12:42:25 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: A few notes on aging

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Statistics show that at the age of 70, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
- Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
- A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find a great parking space.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:53:04 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political>

By way of James Taranto's column...
"Zimbabwe Broke but Mugabe Charges Taxpayers $5 Million for Daughter's Wedding"
--headline, Christian Science Monitor, March 12

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 11:06:57 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Drinks (adultish)

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 11:36:55 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The '50 political Lesson <political>

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the shop, where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me any more.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 06:15:53 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Weatherman? Hah!!

I found a better way to forecast the weather ...
It's called a weather rock.

- If it's wet, it's raining.
- If it's white, it's snowing.
- If it's tipped over ... it must be windy!

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 03:55:07 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Humerus News of the day 03-14-14 <some political>

It looks like Obamacare will miss its enrollment goal of 7 million people by March 31, as only 4 million have signed up so far. Republicans haven't been this excited since the invention of khakis. (Seth Meyers)

This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing God's work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, "Whoa, there. Look, I'm flattered. But Obamacare, that's all you, man. Don't involve me in that mess." (Janice Hough)

President Obama's wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term. (David Letterman)

Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a "thug," and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, "My friend here will take care of you." (Jimmy Fallon)

Citing the scandals embroiling Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, the Republican Governors Association today ordered its members to discontinue the use of e-mail, "effective immediately." According to a memo sent to all epublican governors, "Any plots, schemes, conspiracies, or violations of campaign-finance laws should be conducted using pay phones or easily disposable cell phones such as the ones used on 'The Wire.'" The governors were instructed to read the memo once and then either burn or eat it. (Andy Borowitz)

The Philadelphia 76ers are on a major losing streak. You can tell they're having a bad season. Fans still wave foam fingers. But, they're a different finger. (Alan Ray)

Ryan Braun has a .875 batting average in the Cactus League. Either the guy's got a major chip on his shoulder to prove he can play clean, or he's found a really undetectable PED. (Janice Hough)

Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover - "Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!" (TC Chong)

Joan Rivers says she had a one-night stand with Johnny Carson. She says he made her smile back in the day when she actually had the option of other facial expressions. (Jim Barach)

A total absence of actual information about the missing Malaysia flight is not in any way hindering twenty-four-hour coverage of the story. CNN chief Jeff Zucker said, "As a news network, we regard a lack of news as a worthy challenge. Our people are doing a heroic job of filling the void with rumor and hearsay." A MSNBC spokesman replied, "We are receiving tons of erroneous and conflicting reports from authorities every hour, and the instant we get them we pass them on to our viewers." FOX host Sean Hannity confirmed. "When it comes to broadcasting twenty-four hours a day with no verifiable facts, I wouldn't trade our experience and expertise for anybody's, The network is working overtime to generate new unfounded conspiracy theories. We've put our whole Benghazi team on this." (Andy Borowitz)

Some scientists say the Earth has a huge secret reservoir of water more than 250 miles below the surface. Which means as soon as there is a worldwide drought that pushes the price of water to $4 a gallon, ExxonMobil will figure out a way to drill for it. (Jim Barach)

New research claims that a cheeseburger might be as risky as smoking a cigarette. In 2013 alone 213 people died of 2nd hand cheeseburger. (Jeff Dwoskin)

They say e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes, but that's not a high bar. Saying that e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you're younger than Larry King. (Craig Ferguson)

This weekend marked the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, 10 years of astronaut training -- it all adds up. (Jimmy Fallon)

American Airlines is dropping bereavement fares, saying they are making the change "to have a single, consistent program for American and US Airways." US Airways didn't have such fares. Amazing how in airline mergers the new "consistent" program is always the one that costs consumers more. (Janice Hough)

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 07:18:21 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

Just saw American Pi. I'd give it a rating of 3.14.

3.14% of all sailors are Pi rates.

Come to the Nerd side ... we have pi.

The roundest knight at Sir Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He gained weight by eating too much pi.

Pizza Math
a = depth
z = radius
Volume = pi x z x z x a

Q: How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie?
A: 3.14.

Q: What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky

Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Moon Pi.

There once was a girl who loved pi
I never could quite fathom why
To her it's a wonder
To me just a number
Its beauty revealed by and by

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 11:48:09 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Jump <adultish>

Maury and Pauly had a terrific trapeze act and used no net. Maury was the catcher, and Pauly was the flier. At the most dangerous moment in their routine, when Pauly was just lunging off his bar into empty space, Maury shouted, "I know you've been sleeping with my wife. Come on, JUMP!! "

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Message: 10
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 10:56:13 -0500
From: Marsha Coleman
Subject: Miss Maggie T

Miss Maggie T says ... I don't have mood swings, I have mood theme parks.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert