The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. True Love (George Matyjewicz)
2. A Poem About Tomatoes (offensive to Muslims/language) (Mickey)
3. Speechless <political/language> (Lee Bradley)
4. That's Gonna Leave A Mark <political satire> (Paul Benoit)
5. A Murder of Dead Crows (Grady Lacy)
6. Oh, I Forgot To Mention (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 12:30:55 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: True Love

I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 07:41:45 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: A Poem About Tomatoes (offensive to Muslims/language)

They are blessed in Australia to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of their history and 21st century lifestyle. Here is a classic example: A Poem about Tomatoes.

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these f****rs do, 'cos they're still in the tin

The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry can bring tears to the eyes ...

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 14:30:37 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Speechless <political/language>

Late-Braking News Network
(LBNN--Moscow) Vladimir Putin reacted sharply today to statements by Ukraine's government that "Russia won't talk to us." In an interview, Mr. Putin said, "I talk to them every day. Just this morning I called and said, 'Kiss my ass, nazis!'"

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 16:35:50 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: That's Gonna Leave A Mark <political satire>

G.O.P. Race Turns Ugly As Paul Head-Butts Cruz
by Andy Borowitz

In a preview of what promises to be a heated race for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) head-butted his rival Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) on the floor of the United States Senate this morning.

The melee "came without warning," one observer said, as Sen. Paul took to the well of the Senate to give a speech recommending a strong but measured response to the crisis in Ukraine.

Almost immediately, a furious and beet-red Sen. Cruz began heckling Sen. Paul, calling him a "Kentucky-fried Communist" and demanding that he "apologize to Ronald Reagan this very instant."

Sen. Paul seemed to ignore the heckling at first, but as Sen. Cruz's taunts descended into a stream of profane name-calling, the Kentuckian leapt from the well of the Senate and began throttling Sen. Cruz before administering the decisive head-butt.

"Shut up, you bastard!" Sen. Paul reportedly shouted during the brawl. "Shut up, or I'll make you shut up!"

A group of horrified senators - including Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), and Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.) - pulled the two men apart, aided by a C.I.A. agent who had been monitoring the Senate's activities at the time.

Within moments, the free-for-all was over, but not before more fists were thrown and a gash was opened over Sen. Cruz's left eye.

In the aftermath of the skirmish, Sen. Paul seemed pleased with the outcome. "Sen. Cruz and I may not always agree, but we're both passionate about our views," he said. "This kind of debate is healthy for the Republican Party."

Under the rules of the Senate, head-butting another senator results in a mandatory suspension of seven days, experts said.

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 18:28:05 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: A Murder of Dead Crows

Researchers for the New York Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

NYTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."

Absolutely amazing!!

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 06:23:57 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Oh, I Forgot To Mention

My wife and I decided to give up alcohol for Lent. We figured we finally wanted to see if we really like each other.

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 05:19:01 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

13. When in doubt: ...mumble a lot with food in your mouth ...change the Daily Temperature Graph and reissue
14. Additional newly found data will always screw up a good analysis.
15. Always pass the buck to the shift that you just relieved (or to the Hub).
16. I don't care what guidance says - I always make up my forecast while I'm driving to work.
17. Total confusion frequently results in outstanding performance.
18. Murphy's law: the disk you needed more data from ... you just erased.
19. If you get a "gut feeling" about a forecast - its probably heartburn.
20. When writing a forecast discussion make it so long that no one will bother to read it.
21. Never say "NEVER".
22. If everything in the office worked as well as the fridge and microwave, this would be a great place to work!
23. Bribing the observer will only be tolerated from just before, until just after verification times.
24. Remember - all extended forecasts fall into the realm of make-believe stuff.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert