The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Topics of the day:
2. Blinded by the light (RLB)
3. Obama on Putin <political> (Phil G)
4. Running A Red Light (language) (Mickey)
5. Accident (Paul Benoit)
6. THE OSTRICH! (Randall Woodman)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 09:47:35 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

The old man and his wife had just left home, heading off for a well-earned vacation, when the wife suddenly says, "Oh my, dear! I think I left the iron on. I'm afraid the house is going to burn down!"

"Don't worry, dear," said the old man, "the house won't burn down."

"Now, how can you make a statement like that?" she asked him.

"Because," said the old man, "I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 21:49:51 +0200
From: RLB
Subject: Blinded by the light

From time to time I have this dream in which I'm standing alone in an oppressive, crepuscular darkness. Before me is a pale-colored, faintly discernible door. It's closed. I suddenly grab hold of the handle and pull open the door; just as suddenly I'm engulfed by a brilliant but strangely cold luminescence. Looking frantically about, I seize something from one of the shelves, wolf it down, close the fridge, and go back to bed.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 19:24:23 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Obama on Putin <political>

From Bret Stephens' column...
Barack Obama thinks Vladimir Putin isn't such a smart guy. "There's a suggestion somehow that the Russian actions have been clever, strategically," Mr. Obama said last week about Moscow's bloodless coup de main in Crimea. "I actually think that this is not been a sign of strength."

"Is not been a sign of strength" is not been a sign of grammar. Good thing it wasn't George W. Bush doing the talking.

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 15:36:28 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Running A Red Light (language)

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc. in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and Hostile?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 06:19:01 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Accidents

A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, "Have you ever had any accidents?"

The cowboy replied, "No, no accidents." Then, after a short pause he added, "But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a
rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago."

"Well," replied the insurance agent, "don't you call those accidents?"

The cowboy replied, "No, I don't - they done it on purpose!"

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 05:54:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: Randall Woodman

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Message: 7
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 08:50:27 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

1. If there's a 50-50 chance that a forecast will go wrong, 9 times out of 10 it will.
2. No matter how the forecast turns out - there's always another forecaster who "knew it would".
3. The forecaster who "knew it would happen that way", never told anyone else about it before hand.
4. The unwritten forecast is always the one that verifies best.
5. No two weather patterns are alike, although someone will remember one just like this that occurred back in '84.
6. Progress Charts are like clocks: ...if you only have one, you always know exactly what time it is. ...if you have more than one - you're never sure.
7. Time savers don't. Work savers won't. Short cuts aren't.
8. A storm will develop only after it has been forecasted for several days ... then not mentioned.
9. Heavy snow will generally end once a Winter Storm Warning has been issued.
10. Rules of thumb work best on someone else's shift.
11. You never notice the "glitch" in the forecast wording until after you've pressed the enter button.
12. No matter how far in advanced you forecast a significant storm, the media will always call it unexpected.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert