The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, March 09, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Yeast <adult> (Lee Bradley)
2. Tech Support 3 (Grady Lacy)
3. Breakfast Order (George Matyjewicz)
4. Remembering a great icon (Mickey)
5. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. FRAUD? (Paul Benoit)
7. COMMUNICATION (Sandy (AKA MsSam))

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 12:20:38 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: yeast <adult>

Pauly, probably one beer too many, was taking to Maury: "You know, buddy, I'm having a difficult time right now. I can't get it hard anymore."

"That's not a problem," says Maury, "all you need is some bread, lots of bread, what with all that yeast, you know."

"I never heard of that," says Pauly.

"Sure," says Maury, it's a sure-fire cure from the Old Country. Dovete provarlo! You've gotta try it."

So Pauly goes to the bakery and talks to the baker: "I need 20 loaves of bread. I guess you've never sold so much at one time, eh?"

Says the baker, laughing, "Only when someone like you has told a buddy that you can't get it up!"

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 9 Mar 2014 15:16:17 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Tech Support 3

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
++++++++++++++++

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
++++++++++++++++

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
++++++++++++++++

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
++++++++++++++++

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 9 Mar 2014 19:58:26 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Breakfast Order

The hotel guest called room service, "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee, watery orange juice, and cold, hard, unbuttered toast."

The room service clerk asked, "Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?"

"I'm homesick."

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 9 Mar 2014 14:21:38 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Remembering a great icon

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 10:21:42 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Last night I heard someone on TeeVee saying that "curiosity is the source of all scientific breakthroughs" and I started wondering:

What scientific breakthroughs were caused by my curiosity for the naked female form when I was a teenager?

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 06:22:55 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: FRAUD?

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital ...

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is a FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

CLICK.
++++++++++++++++

Don't believe it's true? See: http://www.snopes.com/medical/asylum/fbipizza.asp

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 08:55:33 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: COMMUNICATION

I ran short of money while visiting my mother and borrowed $50 from her.

After my return home, I wrote her a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one. She called me up and told me how much she enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money, because I had never written her regularly before.

Eventually I sent off a letter and the last $5 check.

In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my mother. Inside was another $50.

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