The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, March 06, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. That's a Fair Point (George Matyjewicz)
2. More Truths For Mature Humans Pt 1 (Anna Welander)
3. Newspaper Headlines with Reflections (Anna Welander)
4. More Truths For Mature Humans Pt 2 (Anna Welander)
5. An Italian Funeral (Mickey)
6. Oh, bury me not on the hot prairie (Lee Bradley)
7. Tech Support 1 (Grady Lacy)
8. Groaner du jour (Maurizio Mariotti)
9. Philosophy <adult> (Paul Benoit)
10. Public speaking (Anna Welander)
11. How men and women record things differently in their diaries (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 12:14:14 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: That's a Fair Point

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 18:59:32 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More Truths For Mature Humans Pt 1

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 19:18:53 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Newspaper Headlines with Reflections

CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
(Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!)

Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff
(Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)

Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
(Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)

Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
(Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future is so certain.)

Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury
(It took the experts to figure that one out)

Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
(They needed a study to find THAT out?)

Circumcisions Cut Back
(If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place as any to start)

You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back
(So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)

Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
(Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead)

Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
(That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!)

City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
(And we all thought taxes ended with death!)

US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
(Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries .....)

Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
(Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)

Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims
(Well, they weren't using them anyway)

Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
(It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)

Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town
(But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)

Police Recover Stolen Hamster, Arrest 3
(Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the death penalty?)

Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly
(But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?)

Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
(We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)

Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm
(In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)

Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart
(Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9 ...)

No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
(Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 20:17:43 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More Truths For Mature Humans Pt 2

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 10:48:07 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: An Italian Funeral

Pasquale died ... His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Angelina, "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"

Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Maria computed quickly.

"Mama Mia!!! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"

"2 carrots"

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 16:47:05 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Oh, bury me not on the hot prairie

A guy returns home with his wife after attending a memorial service for her mother at the crematorium. "Nossiree! Don't be cremating me! Just give me a regular, traditional funeral and real burial with all the eulogies, flowers, limos, and marble tombstones."

"Oh, sure," she retorts, "just like always: there's to be no cutting back on expenses, especially when YOUR pleasure is concerned!"

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 20:58:35 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Tech Support 1

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one ...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
++++++++++++++++

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Margie, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 07 Mar 2014 09:54:03 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Groaner du jour

Q. What's the Russian bear's favorite food?
A. Chicken Kiev.

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2014 06:19:59 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Philosophy

Life is like a penis: simple, relaxed and hanging free.
It's women who make it hard.

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Message: 10
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2014 15:35:40 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Public speaking

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

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Message: 11
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2014 15:43:21 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How men and women record things differently in their diaries

WIFE'S DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing ..." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:
A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt?

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