The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Dear Cats and Dogs (George Matyjewicz)
2. Ash Wednesday (Paul Benoit)
3. He Was Such A Nice Boy (Paul Benoit)
4. The One True Way (Lee Bradley)
5. Pauly in school (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Power Outage (Randall Woodman)
7. Ukraine Diplomacy <political> (Phil G)

Message: 1
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2014 12:42:17 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Dear Cats and Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note - placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you.

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2014 16:36:26 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Ash Wednesday

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
This may be blasphemous, but I'm going to give up picking my belly button for lint.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 06:28:40 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: He Was Such A Nice Boy

Medicated Boy Calmly Shoots 12 Inside Sporting Goods Store

A medicated 16 year-old boy calmly strolled into a Dick's Sporting Goods in Tempe, Arizona and shot everyone inside this afternoon, killing 7 and wounding 5.

The shooter, Caleb Lynch of Tempe, was reportedly on a combination of Venlaflaxine and Methylphenidate, and was armed with an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle.

"He didn't seem upset at all while he was shooting everybody," recalled Dick's employee Ashley Davis, who was shot twice in the leg by Lynch, "He didn't appear angry or anxious or anything. He was totally calm."

According to his family and doctors, Lynch's demeanor inside the store was a marked improvement over his mental condition prior to starting his medication, during which time he was often moody and irritable.

Remarked Lynch's psychiatrist Greg Coleman: "Caleb was a normal, cheerful young man before reaching his mid-teens, at which time he became sullen and introverted after going through some girl trouble and discovering the band Joy Division."

Police indicate that Lynch's composure has not wavered since being taken into custody.

"For a mass murderer the kid is extremely even-keeled," stated Tempe PD Detective Mike McReynolds, "We told him he'd probably be tried as an adult and spend the rest of his life in prison, and he said, 'That's nice'."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 08:11:43 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: The One True Way

The old billionaire was on his last legs and had called his pastor to the bedside. "I'm going to have my lawyer come tomorrow to change my will. If I leave half of my fortune to you and your church, will I be sure to get into heaven?"

"God bless you," said the pastor, "I would not be able to give you any guarantees without a solid basis, but that's certainly an idea that is definitely worth trying out."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 15:23:10 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Pauly in school

Little Pauly is driving the teacher crazy because of his propensity to use foul language. One morning, the teacher asks the class to write a sentence with the word "clock."

Pauly is sent home with a note for his parents that reads:

The class was given the assignment to write a sentence with the word "clock." Pauly wrote, "My sister's boyfriend gave her his big clock" spelled without the letter "L", which Pauly claims he accidentally omitted. To avoid further action on my part, will you please confirm that your daughter actually received the gift of a clock from her boyfriend.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 06:29:31 -0800 (PST)
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: Power Outage

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 09:58:02 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Ukraine Diplomacy <political>

From Holman Jenkins' column ...
Germany's foreign minister has already proposed the crisis be settled by direct discussion between Ukraine and Mr. Putin. At least he didn't offer Munich as a venue.

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2014 07:03:00 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you rotten bum!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert