The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, March 02, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. One Night at McDonalds (Emko Witteveen)
2. Family Dinner (George Matyjewicz)
3. Why get married? (Grady Lacy)
4. A Priest and the Rabbi <adultish> (Lanny Julian)
5. Eternal life <political> (Richard Nehrbass)
6. Border Crossing (Paul Benoit)
7. Everything in it's place (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 02 Mar 2014 11:15:00 -0700
From: Emko Witteveen,
Subject: One Night at McDonalds

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 2 Mar 2014 13:29:56 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Family Dinner

During a long and boring road trip, an already arguing couple passed a pig farm.

Upon hearing grunting and snorting noises, the wife commented, "That reminds me of a typical family dinner."

The husband quickly asked, "With your relatives?"

"Yup," came the even quicker reply. "In-laws."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 2 Mar 2014 17:24:13 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Why get married?

An octogenarian was talking with a friend about his upcoming nuptials. His friend asked if his fiance was young, beautiful, and sexy.

"No, she's early 70s, homely, and has the body to go with it."

"Well, is she rich?"

"No, poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, she must be a good cook?"

"Nope, can't cook worth a flip."

"Then why in the world are you marrying her?"

"She can still drive!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 2 Mar 2014 19:37:23 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: A Priest and the Rabbi <adultish>

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 02 Mar 2014 20:06:46 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Eternal life <political>

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 2014 06:31:16 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Border Crossing

A Russian guy crosses a border checkpoint.




"No, no, just visiting."

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 03 Mar 2014 07:57:14 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Everything in it's place

A young Ukrainian goes up to the Russian tank commander and bows: "I'd like to see the general in charge of this occupation."

"You? The general don't see civilians; he's too important. Have you got a pass?"

"No, sir," says the polite Ukrainian, "I don't have a pass, but I must see the general, please."

"No pass, no general!" yells the Russian. "Scram!"

"But I must get to the general," insists the Ukrainian.

"I told you to SCRAM!"

"All right," says the Ukrainian, "just tell me where to put my bomb."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert