The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. SHHHHHHH! (George Matyjewicz)
2. PROVISIONS OF ARIZONAS PROPOSED ANTI-GAY LAW <political satire> (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
3. Hospital Regulations (Grady Lacy)
4. Like *That's* Gonna Happen <political/adultish> (Paul Benoit)
5. BARGAINS <Jewish Stereotype> (Sandy (AKA MsSam))

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 12:21:52 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: SHHHHHHH!

A Sunday school teacher asked the little children in class "And why is it necessary to be quiet during the church service?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 10:50:57 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: PROVISIONS OF ARIZONA'S PROPOSED ANTI-GAY LAW <political satire>

Last week, the Arizona legislature passed a bill allowing business owners to refuse service to homosexual customers if the owners claim such actions conflict with their religious beliefs. Here are some of the notable provisions of the proposed law:
* Hotel clerks must provide notarized letter from God or other deity when turning away guests.
* Reverses law requiring small business owners to perform same-sex commitment ceremonies after serving gay customers.
* If refusing service, business owners required to spit tobacco before saying, "We don't take kindly to you folk".
* Would no longer obligate businesses to treat all patrons as faceless, mindless sources of revenue.
* Gays can still buy muffins at the bakery, but they have to wait until the straight people have taken their pick.
* Thirty-eight-page speculative description of gay sexual encounter.
* Real estate brokers may now refuse whatever service they've convinced themselves they're offering.
* Requires straight customers to spend a little extra money to make up the difference.
* Does not provide funding for Native American scholarships, which might've helped this baby go down a little smoother.
* Sets framework for Arizona State University to reject an applicant for the very first time in school's history.
* Safeguards Arizona residents' freedom to practice Jesus Christ's teachings of love, inclusion, and tolerance.
Source: The Onion

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 23:30:42 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2014 06:29:44 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Like *That's* Gonna Happen <political/adultish>

Getting things done in Congress is like a handjob ...
It requires a back and forth motion, and that's what makes it a bipartisan effort.

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2014 03:37:27 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: BARGAINS <Jewish Stereotype>

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.

The first says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for a thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What are you, crazy? What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So, why am I going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."

"Oh," said the other. "Now you're talking!"

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