The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Smart old man (George Matyjewicz)
2. HELMSMAN TRAINING (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
3. Painting the Church (Lanny Julian)
4. Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political> (Phil G)
5. Pregnant at 71 (Grady Lacy)
6. Car keys (Richard Nehrbass)
7. Halloween Party (risque) (Emko Witteveen)
8. Ways to win an argument with a woman (Paul Benoit)
9. Dear Diary <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 12:21:02 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Smart old man

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty liter (5.28344 gals) bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "'I'm here to feed the crocodile."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 11:35:12 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: HELMSMAN TRAINING

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction and then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel.

In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 17:44:55 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!!"

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 18:33:13 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political>

From James Taranto's column...

Fox Butterfield, Is That You?
"Charles Krauthammer says it right up front in his Washington Post column: 'I'm not a global warming believer. I'm not a global warming denier.' He does, however, challenge the notion that the science on climate change is settled and says those who insist otherwise are engaged in 'a crude attempt to silence critics and delegitimize debate.' How ironic, then, that some environmental activists launched a petition urging the Post not to publish Krauthammer's column on Friday."--Howard Kurtz, FoxNews.com, Feb. 24

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 21:13:01 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Pregnant at 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71-years-old, has four grown children, and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant??

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 19:43:40 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Car keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat-down. I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police, gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "Honey, I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me," he barked, "I dropped you off!!!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

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Message: 7
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 00:04:22 -0700
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Halloween Party (risque)

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.

"A fireman" he replies
"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says.

"Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
++++++++++++++++

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

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Message: 8
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 06:38:29 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Ways to win an argument with a woman

Below is a list of ways to win an argument with a woman:

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

If you know of any others, please add ....

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Message: 9
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 15:04:18 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adult>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I still remember when my first girlfriend and I made love.

After we finished and I laid on the bed exhausted after that three hours exertion (or maybe it was three minutes, but never mind the unimportant details), I heard her saying, "I finally did it. I'm no longer a virgin."

I was thrilled and asked the obvious question, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

She explained, "Yes, I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

I was moved and asked her, "So, you really love me?"

"Oh, no! Not at all!" she exclaimed. "I just got tired of waiting."

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