The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, February 24, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Confessional (Lanny Julian)
2. Grandpa's Books (George Matyjewicz)
3. More Bad Day Signs (Anna Welander)
4. Two engineers (Anna Welander)
5. Baptist cowboy (Richard Nehrbass)
6. Getting Older! (Grady Lacy)
7. The Lollipop Line <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. YAWN (Paul Benoit)
9. Thanks for this! (Anna Welander)
10. Marriage (Randall Woodman)
11. Dog Exercises (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 12:25:23 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Confessional

A man walked into a Washington, D.C. Catholic Church confessional. He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a congressman."

The priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service work!"

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 12:48:53 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Grandpa's Books

I came across some well-worn and dusty encyclopedias from when I was kid while, when clearing out a closet. I put them on a shelf in the shed, where my grandchildren found them and spent many happy hours looking at the pictures.

One Sunday after church while I was talking to the pastor, my grandson asked loudly, "Grandpa after dinner, can we go in the back yard have a look at those dirty books you keep in the shed?"

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:12:07 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More 'Bad Day' Signs

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When ...
- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
- You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
- You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
- You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
- The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes ... and no one has touched it.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
- You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money ... from the electric company.
- Airline food starts to taste good.
- Your mother approves of the person you are dating

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:24:53 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Two engineers

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 18:13:37 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Baptist cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you brought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 21:49:43 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Getting Older!

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 11:49:45 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Lollipop Line <adult>

An old lady approaches a police station and observes three women in hand cuffs waiting to go in.

The old lady asks one of the women, "Why are you in line?"

The woman looks at the other prostitutes, winks and says, "We're waiting in line for a free lollipop."

So the old lady gets in line for her free lollipop. The chief of police comes out to take the girls in and notices the old lady in line. Shocked, he says to the old lady, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Let me tell you something, sonny," the old lady replies, "as long as they keep making them, I will keep sucking them!"

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Message: 8
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 06:41:30 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: YAWN

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 9
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:40:44 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Thanks for this!

The scale at the doctor's office has a chart showing the desired weight per height. Thanks to it, I now know my problem.

I'm not overweight; I'm under short.

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Message: 10
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 06:21:41 -0800 (PST)
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: Marriage

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."?

He then addressed the men.

"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started ...

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Message: 11
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 15:42:53 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Dog Exercises

You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now. The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.

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