The Humor List

Digest for Friday, February 21, 2014

Topics of the day:
2. *REAL* Obituary (Paul Benoit)
3. The flower you give to someone you love? (Grady Lacy)
4. Three contractors (May be off to NY'ers) (Anna Welander)
5. Not that confused! (Anna Welander)
6. How poor were we? (Anna Welander)
7. Opinion Column Humor <political> (Phil G)
8. One for us all (Mickey)
9. Change In the Navy (Maurizio Mariotti)
10. Office Vocabulary (Language) (Anna Welander)
11. Top Ten Hilarious Pranks To Play In Space (Anna Welander)
13. Buy A Lady A Drink? <adultish> (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 12:11:38 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing, regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teenagers suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they had themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer paracetamol, sun lotion or plaster to a pupil, but could not inform the parents when a pupil became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, but the burglar could sue you for assault because you protected yourself and your own.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized that he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Lori Borgman
Indianapolis Star on 15 March 1998

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 12:25:19 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: *REAL* Obituary

Bill Eves 1937-2014

On Saturday February the 8th Molson's stock price fell sharply on the news of Bill Eves' passing. Senior executives at Molson called an emergency meeting to brace for the impact of the anticipated drop in sales.

As a highly regarded principal for 33 years with the separate school board he created many fond memories for staff, students and families. After his retirement he pursued some of his many hobbies including cooking, carpentry, gardening and sending daily joke emails to family and friends. Perhaps most important to Bill was educating people on the dangers of holding in your farts. Sadly, he was unable to attain his life-long goal of catching his beloved wife Judy "cutting the cheese" or "playing the bum trumpet" -- which he likened to a mythical rarity like spotting Bigfoot or a unicorn. He also mastered the art of swearing while being splattered by grease cooking his famous wings. In fact, he wove tapestry of obscenities that still hangs over the Greater Kingston Area.

Before passing Bill forged a 76 year trail of laughter, generosity, compassion, and wisdom. He will be greatly missed by his wife of 50 years Judy, his children Rob (Helen), Tim (Mary-Jo), Angela (Brent), Andrew (Stacey), and his grandchildren Noah, Macy, Teagan, Ella, Claire, Lucy and Will. While his whole family is deeply saddened by Bill's passing, there is a rumour floating around that he told some the nurses at St. Mary's of the Lake that this was all just an elaborate plan to get out of shoveling the driveway. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 12:50:49 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: The flower you give to someone you love?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 20:57:36 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Three contractors (May be off to NY'ers)

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 21:05:49 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Not that confused!

At a gas station, my husband, Jason watched an older lady fill up her car. As he was wondering whether or not someone her age should still be driving, she pulled up to him, rolled down the window and said, "Excuse me, sir ..."

My husband walked over: "How can I help you?!"

"What year is it?" she asked.

Feeling sorry for her, he replied, kindly, "It's 2009, ma'am."

The lady looked at him strangely and said, "No, your car. What year is your car?"

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 21:27:29 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How poor were we?

We Were So Poor That We Could Only Afford ...
Medicines called placebos
Five of the Ten Commandments
Bagel holes
Sunrise Or Sunset
Webster's Extremely Abridged Dictionary
White Crayolas
Ivory soap soup mix
Blue suede shoe boxes
Lipton Tea Bag strings
Jerry Falwell's sing-A-long record album
One-size-fits-all O.J. Simpson gloves

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 17:23:39 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Opinion Column Humor <political>

From James Taranto...
Making the Most of the Munchies reports on a California teen who knows a business opportunity when she sees one:

Looking to drum up some new business, 13-year-old Girl Scout Danielle Lei and her mom set out for a San Francisco medical marijuana clinic on Monday, armed with boxes of Tagalongs, Dulce de Leches and other cookie varieties she and other scouts sell annually. Any patients at The Green Cross with the munchies didn't stand a chance. In two hours on President's Day, Danielle sold 117 boxes outside the clinic--people gobbled up all her Dulce de Leches and blazed through the Tagalongs. According to her mother, Carol, that's 37 more boxes than what she sold during the same two-hour period outside a small Safeway the next day. . . ."It's no secret that cannabis is a powerful appetite stimulant, so we knew this would be a very beneficial endeavor for the girls," Holli Bert, a staff member at The Green Cross, told Mashable in an email. "It's all about location, and what better place to sell Girl Scout cookies than outside a medical cannabis collective?"

It makes one wonder if the Obama administration, which has taken an indulgent view of many states' moves toward marijuana legalization, has considered the effects it may have on Mrs. Obama's efforts to combat obesity.

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 21:04:39 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: One for us all

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maitre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai.

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Message: 9
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 2014 10:56:31 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Change In the Navy

A ship's captain inspected his sailors, and afterwards told the chief bosun's mate that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change their underwear occasionally.

The chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear. "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

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Message: 10
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 2014 13:42:31 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Office Vocabulary (Language)

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM: Career-limiting move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Telephone Number Salary: A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my ... um ... friend."

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Message: 11
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 2014 13:47:05 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Top Ten Hilarious Pranks To Play In Space

10. Contact NASA by saying, "Whitney Houston, we have a problem!"
9. Spike the Tang with Folger's Crystals.
8. Paste a "Hyundai" logo on the main control panel.
7. Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew ,"There's a hideous Martian outside the ship!"
6. Dump sewage tank over Iraq.
5. Fill someone's oxygen tank with Heinz' Home-style Beef Gravy.
4. Ring doorbell on Mir Space station; quickly float away.
3. Hide the experimental bee hive in someone's space suit.
2. Sneak action figure from "Alien" movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner.
1. Egg the moon.

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Message: 12
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 2014 07:38:10 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

Todd just finished his training session at the local McDonald's, so he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time.

His first customer ordered a Milkshake. "Todd," his manager said afterwards, "remember to say, 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Todd again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Todd at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Todd took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

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Message: 13
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 2014 11:41:16 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Buy A Lady A Drink? <adultish>

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?"

"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert