The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Misleading Label (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dyslexia <bad taste; adult> (Phil G)
3. Notice to my friends (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. 13 Things You Might Say After Putting On A Few Extra Pounds (Paul Benoit)
5. Top 10 Annoying Emails Received By A Broadcast Meteorologist (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
6. Kind of music (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 12:22:35 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Misleading Label

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. He did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor said, "He just needs to be changed."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package specifically stated it is good for up to 10 lbs!"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 13:14:56 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Dyslexia <bad taste; adult>

Did you hear about the dyslexic-bulimic?
She binge eats, and then sticks her finger up her ass.

Did you hear about the dyslexic prostitute?
She cooks socks.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexics Association.

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He didn't believe in dog.

Did you hear about the dyslexic with Tourette's syndrome?
He goes around shouting, "This! This! This!"

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2014 12:28:48 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Notice to my friends

To all my friends who have sent me best wishes, chain letters, 'angel' letters, or other promises of good luck:

None of that crap worked.

Could you please just send cash, single malt Scotch whisky, chocolate, wine, or airline tickets - preferably to exotic destinations?

Thank you.

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2014 07:50:08 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: 13 Things You Might Say After Putting On A Few Extra Pounds

- I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat.
- I need a workout that will help me lose weight without losing my boobs.
- I have more food in my body than in my fridge.
- I work out just enough to claim my weight gain is muscle.
- My body isn't a temple, it's a maximum security prison for fat.
- I love pretending that I don't care about my weight.
- I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.
- I can't return to the gym until I lose some weight.
- The most exercise I get is briefly sucking in my gut whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror.
- I was almost hoping the pregnancy test I took would show up positive so there would be an explanation for my recent weight gain.
- I'm too fat to skinny dip.
- Rather than go on a diet, I'm hoping to get some sort of horrible stomach ailment.
- I'm not fat, I'm married.

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2014 08:34:30 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: Top 10 Annoying Emails Received By A Broadcast Meteorologist

10. "My son's science experiment is due tomorrow. Can you give me an idea of what to do and how to do it?
9. "You make a lot of money just to get the forecast wrong."
8. "Would you like to come shovel your 5 inches of partly cloudy off my driveway?"
7. "You really love to show yourself on TV. If you break into my favorite show one more time I am going to go insane."
6. "I need to know every high and low temperature for every Saturday or Sunday over the course of the last three years when the moon was full. P.S. Who won the world series of poker last night?"
5. "Would you please mention my hometown today - or that's it! I am not watching your channel anymore."
4. "I know I need an umbrella when it rains. Can you please stop making me feel like an idiot?"
3. "When it is very cold, is it the plants I am supposed to bring in or is it the pets?"
2. "Whatever, I don't care what you say, that was a UFO in the sky."
And the #1. "Will it rain on my wedding in two months from now?"

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2014 17:02:41 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Kind of music

"What kind of music do you sing?"

"Aqua-pella."

"Don't you mean a cappella, singing without instrumental accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean aqua-pella, singing accompaniment only by water coming out of the shower-head."

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