The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. VASECTOMIES <mildly adultish> (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
2. I'M NO LONGER CONFUSED <adultish> (Mickey)
3. Floods in Britain (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Happy Anniversary (Paul Benoit)
6. Low-slung pants (Grady Lacy)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2014 10:47:45 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: VASECTOMIES <Mildly Adultish>

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things, saying boldly. "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy," he declared.

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"

Roger asked the doctor to perform a vasectomy on him. "Well," asked the physician, "have you discussed the operation and its implications with your wife and family?"

"Yes," Roger declared. "I'm sort of lukewarm about it myself, but my wife persuaded me to put it to a vote of the children."

"And what was the outcome?" asked the doctor.

"The kids favored it nine to four."

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

Definition of a "Macho Male" ... one who jogs home after a vasectomy.

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2014 15:40:53 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: I`M NO LONGER CONFUSED <adultish>

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Revenue Canada 'Service'
Canada Post 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Provincial, Municipal, City, & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 10:58:22 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Floods in Britain

My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.

Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat. "Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to rescue us?"

"No," they replied "We're collecting donations for Syria."

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 02:02:07 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

According to a new report, students in the Lake Tahoe area are now making a game of petting, or even spanking, bears in the area. I don't know all the rules of this game, but I'm pretty sure if you get mauled to death, you lose.

"At Sierra Nevada College in Incline Village, on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe, some students unaccustomed to bears have made it a game on campus to 'spank' the animals with a pat on the butt, another game to 'pet' one," the San Francisco Chronicle reports. Others have even taken to feeding the bears.

The bears apparently have no fear of humans and are socialized to the point where they're breaking into peoples' dorm rooms and raiding their mini-fridges. Wait, are we talking about bears or drunk frat boys?

Because of the bear nuisance problem, wildlife officials have had to trap 14 bears and release them in other parts of the forest and have even had to kill a few of the more dangerous bears. But Bear Smart Tahoe, a citizen group, plans to help teach people to minimize bear interactions so that these lovably lethal animals don't invite themselves over for dinner and end up hibernating on your couch for four months like your friend from high school did.

Frankly, it's surprising that so many students made it into college without knowing not to spank a bear. Maybe the SATs need an update: It's okay to spank a bear (a) sometimes, (b) all the time, (c) when under the influence or (d) only if you've seen Grizzly Man and you know how this is going to end.

From: Dumb as a Blog
Source: SFGate

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 06:46:45 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Happy Anniversary

Cleetus wants to get his beautiful wife, Verna, something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. Verna is excited, she loves her phone. Cleetus shows and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Verna goes shopping at the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi ya, Verna," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

Verna replies, "I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though ..."

"What's that, Verna?" asks Cleetus.

"How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?"

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 2014 11:30:45 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Low-slung pants

The state of Georgia is banning the wearing of low-slung pants.
Police refuse to comment on the crackdown.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert