The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, February 14, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Double entendre (Renaud (Ron) OLGIATI)
2. Thinking Ahead (George Matyjewicz)
3. 9 Out Of 10? (Mickey)
4. Real need for sensitivity training <adultish> (Grady Lacy)
5. RECENTLY FOUND (Paul Benoit)
6. Door Hinge <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. PRESIDENTIAL HUMOR (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
8. Father Of The Bride (Paul Benoit)
9. Victimization at school (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 14:43:46 -0300
From: Renaud (Ron) OLGIATI
Subject: Double entendre <adult>

My new girl-friend finally gave me head.
She sucks ...

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 12:59:45 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Thinking Ahead

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.

"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 08:15:10 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: 9 Out Of 10?

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.

He heard one girl say to the other; "Nine."

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 13:55:42 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Real need for sensitivity training <adultish>

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead."

The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 14:56:38 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: RECENTLY FOUND

Puritan Valentine's Day Cards (via CollegeHumor)
++++++++++++++++

Roses are red, Violets are blue,
And neither are useful or necessary at all.

I NEED YOU ...
To help raise livestock and crops or surely we will starve to death come winter.

YOU ALMOST MAKE MY HEART DANCE
And dancing is forbidden.

Being with you fills me with impure thoughts.
And I am ashamed.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 2014 14:02:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Door Hinge <adult>

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that microwave in the window.''

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Message: 7
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 2014 06:26:41 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: PRESIDENTIAL HUMOR

''Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.'' - Lyndon Johnson

"I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide." - John F. Kennedy, addressing complaints that his father's money was buying the primary for him.

''My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers." - Jimmy Carter

"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty.'" - Teddy Roosevelt

''In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.'' - John Adams

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." - Bill Clinton

"If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln

"There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate." - Barack Obama

"These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'" - George W Bush

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 2014 10:26:02 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Father Of The Bride

On the day of the nuptials, everything went well. Nevertheless, the father of the bride thought that everyone must have seen his toupee.

Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, "What's the matter, daddy? Why are you looking so down in the mouth?"

"I'm not really sad, darling," he replies, "it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."

"No they didn't, daddy," she answers. "No one that I told knew."

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Message: 9
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 2014 10:30:02 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Victimization at school

As a small boy, little Pauly came home crying from school a lot, claiming that the teacher "has it in for ME," and went out of his way to pick on Pauly, and give him bad grades. One day, he was particularly upset because, he said, the teacher was asking him the hardest questions.

"Enough is enough," said the father, "I'll go up there tomorrow and give him a piece of my mind!"

The next day, he takes Pauly to school, grabs the teacher by the throat, and yells: "You sorry sadist! Treating my Pauly like that! Do you think the State pays you to torment little kids? You just try to do your dirty work while *I* am watching!" With that, the father plops down in a chair in the back of the room.

The teacher then turns to Pauly, "We'll begin with the arithmetic lesson. Pauly, how much is one plus one?"

Pauly wails and turns to the back of the room: "See there, papa, he's already starting again on me!"

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