The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, February 13, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Valentines Day Humor (George Matyjewicz)
2. Bumper Snickers (Anna Welander)
3. More Bumper Snickers (Anna Welander)
4. Jury Duty (Anna Welander)
5. More Bumper Snickers (Anna Welander)
6. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Happy V.D. <adult> (Paul Benoit)
8. Top 10 Signs You Bought A Lemon Of A Car (Anna Welander)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 12:54:10 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Valentine's Day Humor

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means"?

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

Then there was the guy who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine's Day.
So he took her to a baseball park!

Four-year-old, Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom, Ann did.

He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later, Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand"?

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head.

Suddenly, his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy.

"Now I can eat them all!"

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 20:23:26 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Bumper Snickers

- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 05:49:14 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More Bumper Snickers

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Where there's a will ... I want to be on it.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Don't drink and drive ... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle fantasy.
- Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.
- Hang up and drive.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- All men are idiots ... I married their king.
- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute.
- I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 08:44:05 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 08:50:05 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More Bumper Snickers

- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
- God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
- I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
- I wasn't born a witch. Men like you made me this way.
- Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
- Be nice to your kids ... They will pick out your nursing home.
- Always remember you're unique ... Just like everyone else.
- Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 10:44:55 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
This morning I sent this message meant for the ladies of all the lists I am a member of:

"Dear Valentines,
I love you in spite of your constant euphuism and your unwavering mumpsimus, and I love you even if you can't use "Prolepsis" and "Paregmenon" in the same sentence to save your own lives, because true love is non-judgmental and, besides, word power is greatly overrated.

Therefore, instead of pretending you know stuff, just send me nude pictures of yourselves."

That was two hours ago, and my inbox is filling fast with e-mails full of insults.

I am confused; I meant it as a message of love, quite appropriate for Valentine's Day.

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 06:10:05 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Happy V.D. <adult>

Chlamydia Named Most Popular STD

PRINCETON, Nj. (CAP) - A new survey conducted at a handful of colleges and universities in New Jersey has found that chlamydia is the most popular sexually-transmitted disease among that age group. Participants chose Chlamydia over its closest competitor, gonorrhea, by an overwhelming 2-to-1 margin.

"Umm, I voted for Chlamydia because while it hurts, every time I pee, I'm reminded of the awesome time I had getting it," said 19-year-old Kellie James, a sophomore at Rowan University. "And now that I have it, I don't have to worry about getting it again."

The survey asked 2,000 students whether they had any sexually-transmitted diseases, whether they liked what they had, and whether they'd prefer to have a different one. A select group of those surveyed were also offered to try out new STD's as part of a future comparative study.

"For those of us whose sexual heyday was back in the '70s or '80s, it's tough to tell just what's popular with kids these days," said lead researcher Dr. Marjorie Rudyard. "We're happy to report that the STD is indeed alive and well."

While the survey was initially conducted in order to make sure incoming grant money didn't dry up in the next budget, Rudyard said the results have shown that parents who have trouble connecting with their children because of different tastes in music or clothes may have more in common than they realize.

"We won't go so far as to say our survey is bringing families together," said Rudyard. "But when you hear of a son finally tell his dad he itches and dad says he does, too - that really warms the heart."

Rounding out the top five of the most popular STD's among college students are syphilis, crabs, and a little known bacterial infection called donovanosis. Researchers hope this survey becomes the first in an annaul series. The full results of the survey will be published in an upcoming issue of STD Illustrated.

-<--@ -<--@ -<--@ -<--@ -<--@ -<--@ -<--@
Today is Valentine's Day. Wayne LaPierre at the NRA reminds you that the only way to stop a bad Cupid with an arrow is a good Cupid with a gun and a mind to stand his ground. - Bill in Portland Maine

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 05:38:31 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Top 10 Signs You Bought A Lemon Of A Car

10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurant that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2014 06:58:24 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

My dearest wife is always going on and on and on about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that really counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

Brand new mop and bucket.
I was thinking it would be fun to see what color the floor was because I couldn't remember.

Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box.
I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

Midnight moped ride through the park.
I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper.
I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.

45 second back massage.
I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.

Windows 8.1
I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert