The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. T-shirt Slogans (Anna Welander)
2. FLY SOUTHWEST - THE CREWS ARE SMARTER (adult) (Mickey)
3. Raisin Bread <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. For tomorrow ... shhh! <Adultish/long> (Paul Benoit)
5. WIT AND WISDOM OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN <long> (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
6. Venus and Mars (May be off. to men and women/long) (Anna Welander)
7. Priest's collar (Lanny Julian)
8. Ready for Winter travel! (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 9 Feb 2014 19:53:35 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: T-shirt Slogans

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on."
- "Rehab Is for Quitters"
- "Filthy, Stinking Rich -- And, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
- "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
- "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
- "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
- "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
- "Procrastinate Now"
- "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
- "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
- "Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
- "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
- "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
- "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
- "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
- "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
- "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
- "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 12 Feb 2014 12:38:07 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: FLY SOUTHWEST - THE CREWS ARE SMARTER (adult)

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 10:11:47 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Raisin Bread <adultish>

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 06:12:00 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: For tomorrow ... shhh! <Adultish/long>

Love Coupons You Would Prefer Over A Real Gift - via www.someecards.com
.or:
How To Tell Your Valentine You're Too Damn Cheap To Buy Them A Gift

Good for one back
massage I'll immediately
try and turn into sex.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one instance of
me explaining why I'm
mad at you when you
can't figure it out.
++++++++++++++++

Entitles you to one dinner
at your favorite reasonably
priced restaurant that
I also like.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one evening together
where I won't look at my smartphone
at all unless I'm certain
you won't notice.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one evening of
me doing the dishes well
enough that you won't
have to redo them
the next morning.
++++++++++++++++

Entitles you to one
special evening of
sleepy, mechanical
weeknight sex.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one non-judgmental
evening of watching only
your shows in our
DVR queue.
++++++++++++++++
Good for one instance
of me very patiently
listening to a story
you've told before.
++++++++++++++++

Redeemable for flowers
sent to your office on a
day one of the coworkers
you hate is bragging about
her relationship.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one romantic night
on the town where I
drink too much and
you drive us home.
++++++++++++++++

This coupon entitles you to
sleep with one person
of your choosing
after I'm dead.
++++++++++++++++

Good for watching a movie
of your choice which
I'll pretend to be too
manly to enjoy.
++++++++++++++++

Redeemable for one
instance of me doing a
simple chore you do
every day.
++++++++++++++++

Redeemable for one
threesome you'll
never have the guts
to go through with.
++++++++++++++++

Entitles you to film us having
sex if you promise not to
post in online unless
you think it can
help my career.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one sleepover
at your filthy and/or
inconveniently located
apartment.
++++++++++++++++

This coupon is good for
me unfriending one ex
on Facebook.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one romantic
bath together where I
promise to take a shower
beforehand.
++++++++++++++++

Redeemable for a
romantic stroll through
the least terrifying
neighborhoods
of our town.
++++++++++++++++

Redeemable for one breakfast
in bed that doubles
as our Valentine's
Day dinner.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one night
of me taking care of
myself before bed so
I don't bother you
for sex.
++++++++++++++++

Good for one unconventional
sex act I'll only pretend
to enjoy.
++++++++++++++++

Entitles you to one full
Valentine's Day of me
not complaining about
Valentine's Day.

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 04:18:05 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: WIT AND WISDOM OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN <long>

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
- "He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met."
- "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- "When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."
- "No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens."
- "I'm a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let him down.
- "After 40 every man gets the face he deserves."
- "I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
- "Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
- "Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves."
- "It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river."
- "I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me."
- "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
- "Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals."
- "Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them."
- "We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side."
- "How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."
- - "Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived."
- "My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."
- "You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was."
- "Give me six hours to chop down a tree, and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."
- "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
- "We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
- "I don't think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday."
- "Avoid popularity if you would have peace."
- "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
- "Knavery and flattery are blood relations."
- "Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators."
- "If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will."
- "As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy."
- "Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?"
- "Nearly all men stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
- "I walk slow but I never walk back."
- "I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how a man could look up into the heavens and say there is no God."
- "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 9 Feb 2014 20:54:06 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Venus and Mars (May be off. to men and women/long)

Men and women think nothing alike. On the following topics, you can clearly see their completely opposite thought patterns:

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem entitled, 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy, but I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 12-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but only because they know most women cat owners wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole if they acknowledged otherwise.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns,
including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are obsessed; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, a bald man's head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games and anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are, "Pass the Doritos" or "Got anymore beer?"

And finally...
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.

Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 09:21:32 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Priest's collar

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar there were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!' "

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 10:52:06 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Ready for Winter travel!

The Environment Protection Agency has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth o food
De-icer
Rock salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road flares or reflective triangles
Full gas can
First Aid kit
Booster cables

I looked like a real idiot on the bus this morning.

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