The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, February 06, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. BLONDE MALE JOKES/GROANERS (maybe offensive to both) (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
2. Quacks? (Anna Welander)
3. Cut off (George Matyjewicz)
4. Economic Stimulus (Grady Lacy)
5. You Smell That? (Paul Benoit)
6. Miss Maggie T says ... (Marsha Coleman)
7. WHAT WAS THAT SOUND? (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
8. This is good! (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2014 09:02:43 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: BLONDE MALE JOKES/GROANERS (maybe offensive to both)

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
++++++++++++++++

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
++++++++++++++++

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "This is her husband!"
++++++++++++++++

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
++++++++++++++++

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
++++++++++++++++

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
++++++++++++++++

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
++++++++++++++++

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2014 15:18:18 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Quacks?

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying "I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2014 18:53:26 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Cut off

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," the bartender said, "but you obviously already had a little to much to drink."

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. "Can I have a drink please?"

"Sorry," the bartender says, "but you can't have a drink here."

The drink walks out and goes in through the back door. "Can I please have a drink?"

"Enough!" the bartender screamed. "I told You No Drinks!"

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed, "Darn! How many bars you work at?"

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2014 22:55:41 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Economic Stimulus

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
++++++++++++++++

- If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
- If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
- If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
- If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
- If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
- If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
- If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
- Spending it at yard sales, or
- Going to ball games, or
- Spending it on prostitutes, or
- Beer or
- Tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.

Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale, and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 2014 06:24:14 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: You Smell That?

Two snowmen in a field - one turns to the other and says, "I don't know about you, but I can smell carrots!"

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 2014 05:58:14 -0600
From: Marsha Coleman
Subject: Miss Maggie T says ...

Miss Maggie T says ... When you hit 60, multitasking just means you can sneeze and pee at the same time.

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 2014 06:47:05 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: WHAT WAS THAT SOUND?

Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

The sound is proving difficult to decipher, but they have narrowed it down to either, "Oops!!!" or, "Uh Ohh!!!"

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2014 15:18:58 +0100
From: Anna Welander
Subject: This is good!

I heard the story told recently about a king in Africa who had a close friend he had know all his life. This friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.

Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and had his friend immediately sent to prison.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole, as it would be bad luck for the whole village. So they untied the king and sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he remembered the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the prison to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said. "It was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell his friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to prison for so long. It was horrible for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good?!' How could it be good that I sent my lifelong friend to prison for a year?"

"If I had not been in prison ... I would have been with you."

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