The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. LATE NIGHT JOKES ON TAXES (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
2. A Priest, Rabbi and a Baptist Minister (Lanny Julian)
3. Wrong Bus! (George Matyjewicz)
4. A Dangerous Trend <satire> (Paul Benoit)
5. In Class (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Aw, Dad!! <language> (Paul Benoit)

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Message: 1
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 09:24:54 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: LATE NIGHT JOKES ON TAXES

"Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands." - Jimmy Kimmel

"Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it." - Jimmy Kimmel

"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them." - Craig Ferguson

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even." - Jimmy Kimmel

"Nobody likes taxes, but they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense." - Jimmy Kimmel

"The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to threaten people." - Jay Leno

"When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." - Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money. Oh really - how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" - Jay Leno

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" -- Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." -- Craig Ferguson

"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" -- Jay Leno

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 12:24:18 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: A Priest, Rabbi and a Baptist Minister

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk theology. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start ...

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 12:26:35 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Wrong Bus!

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 16:31:43 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: A Dangerous Trend <satire>

Snowbound Commuters Use Kids To Hold Parking Spots
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=14200901015

PHILADELPHIA (CAP) - Combating what they're calling a "dangerous trend," police in several northern cities have warned residents that it is illegal to save your shoveled-out parking spot by leaving your child or your pet in it.

"We've had several close calls already," said Philadelphia police spokesperson Howard Frederickson. "If someone has been driving around long enough, the fact that you've left your kid in your parking spot won't be enough to deter them.

"I'm not saying they'll run the kid over, but they're likely to at least pick him up and move him to another part of the street," he said, explaining that this happened several times in that city during the last snowstorm, and in one case it took a young boy, 7, several hours to wander home.

But some urban residents defend the practice, saying they only do it as a last resort. "What am I supposed to do? They moved my folding chair, my garbage pail, my old dining room table and even a broken washing machine I lugged out there," said 'Bob' of New York City, who asked not to be identified by his full name.

"And it's not like I leave her out there all night," he said, referring to his daughter, Melissa, 8. "It's only when I'm making a quick trip, like to the corner to buy cigarettes or play Keno."

Even more common, say authorities, is residents leaving their pets in their parking spots, typically tied-up dogs but also ferrets and gerbils in their cages, and in at least one case in South Boston, an entire aquarium full of fish. That case ended in tragedy when the temperature dropped suddenly.

"I can absolutely see it," said Frederickson about the South Boston incident. "You think, nobody's gonna take my spot if I leave my pet or my kid in it, but you come home a few hours later and you have to use an ice pick to chop out your fishsicles."

Fights over saved spots have become a common occurrence, say authorities, but the altercations have gotten worse the more people leave their loved ones in the spots.

"Typically you've just had a couple of guys throwing punches, but now you've got the kids kicking each other, and if there are dogs or ferrets involved there's also biting," said Frederickson.

Jon Bartolodo, director of public works for Thornton Township, Ill., noted that leaving your kids and pets in your spot can also impede plow drivers making a second or third run down the street.

"They're authorized to plow right over small obstacles like traffic cones and mailboxes," he noted. "But they run over a kid, the city's got a lawsuit on its hands."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 06 Feb 2014 12:38:22 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: In Class

The Old Perfesser is teaching proverbs and adages to third graders.

He begins with an adage and the class is supposed to complete it. So, he starts, "Birds of a feather ... together."

Little Maury raises his hand and says, "Eat together?"

"No," says T.O.P., "they may eat together, but that's not the adage."

Little Sandy raises her hand and suggests, "Fly together?"

"Very good," says T.O.P., "you are getting close, it is a verb beginning with F."

Little Pauly raises his hand, makes his suggestion, and is promptly sent home with a note for his parents.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2014 06:35:41 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Aw, Dad!! <language>

15 Things Dads Say To Themselves But Should Probably Never Say Out Loud

- I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there looks a pile of shit.

- You say you're sick, huh? It looks to me like you've come down with a case of bullshit.

- Hurry up and get to sleep so I can have some ice cream.

- She wants to have more kids but I don't want to have to learn anyone else's name.

- You're not going to hold that on your fork like a fucking Meatsicle. Go get a freakin' knife!

- So what do I tell them? "Okay, girls, don't let a boy do anything to you with his wiener."

- You're a freakin' teenager now ... just think, 13 years ago Mom had you in a vagina chokehold.

- I told her, "Aww, he's cute" when she had the baby, but it wasn't cute, it looked like goddam Shrek.

- No, being stuck in your bedroom is *not* like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.

- Little girls don't pull up their dress and show their panties. Only mommies are supposed to do that.

- Really, honey, you should be able to flop that titty out any time you want to feed the baby.

- That's the face I make when I'm suspicious that it was *your mother* who farted.

- You're twelve years old now, you have to take a shower every day. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.

- Stay close to me and your mother when we're at the carnival, or some sick pervert will try and shove his pecker in your ear.

- Just imagine.... in twenty years, you'll look just like me.

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