The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. No problem nurse (George Matyjewicz)
2. ME AND MY BED (Collection) (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
3. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Aw, Mom!! <adultish> (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2014 17:14:37 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: No problem nurse

One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom.

A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 04 Feb 2014 17:05:22 -0500
From: Sandy (AKA MsSam)
Subject: ME AND MY BED (Collection)

When people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep until noon because I'm a problem solver!
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I could have said and was supposed to have done during the day.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
People said to follow my dreams ... so I went back to bed.
Do you know that awesome feeling when you get into bed, fall asleep right away, stay asleep all night and wake up feeling refreshed? Me neither.
Today, I realized that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.
4:04 AM, Sleep Not Found
Last night, I woke up to the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified ...
Things to do today:
1) Get up
2) Survive
3) Go back to bed
I'm out of bed and made it to my keyboard. What more can the world want?

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 05 Feb 2014 10:46:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
This morning I had another one of my genius ideas: With space travel taking some, albeit tentative steps, I thought of establishing an e-mail service for those going to the Moon and to Mars.

Inspired by Gmail (tm), I'm going to call them Gmoon and Gmars respectively.

However, I was unsure what name to give to my server and so I asked my wife. She suggested Gmoron.


Even though I should be used to it by now, I was deeply hurt by her lack of appreciation for my genius.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 06:31:15 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Aw, Mom!! <adultish>

15 Things Moms Say To Themselves But Should Probably Never Say Out Loud

- I can't wait for the day when I can drink with my kids instead of because of them.

- Having kids is the first of many bad parenting choices.

- Making sure my single friends know how hard it is to be a mom is almost as exhausting as being a mom.

- The best thing about being a new mom is the lower tolerance from not drinking for nine months.

- I worry about what my kids see online especially if it is my complaints about them on my mommy blog.

- Searching Pinterest to find fun activities to do with my kids is a great way to avoid spending time with my kids.

- I love the sound of unconscious children.

- I love spending time with my children except when they are sick, hungry, tired, or annoying.

- I want my kids to be good at math but not so good that they can count how many glasses of wine I've had.

- Having kids reminded me why I didn't want to have kids.

- I wish my kids would leave me alone while I repeatedly refresh Facebook to see who liked my post about my kids.

- Technically, you're not drinking alone if your kids are home.

- My summer vacation is sending my kids to camp.

- The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.

- If jumping in the shower after a long day with the kids is the closest thing I'm getting to a vacation, you'd better believe I'll be masturbating until I run out of hot water.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert