The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. No problem nurse (George Matyjewicz)
2. ME AND MY BED (Collection) (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
3. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Aw, Mom!! <adultish> (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2014 17:14:37 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: No problem nurse

One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom.

A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 04 Feb 2014 17:05:22 -0500
From: Sandy (AKA MsSam)
Subject: ME AND MY BED (Collection)

When people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep until noon because I'm a problem solver!
++++++++++++++++
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I could have said and was supposed to have done during the day.
++++++++++++++++
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
++++++++++++++++
People said to follow my dreams ... so I went back to bed.
++++++++++++++++
Do you know that awesome feeling when you get into bed, fall asleep right away, stay asleep all night and wake up feeling refreshed? Me neither.
++++++++++++++++
Today, I realized that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.
++++++++++++++++
4:04 AM, Sleep Not Found
++++++++++++++++
Last night, I woke up to the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified ...
++++++++++++++++
Things to do today:
1) Get up
2) Survive
3) Go back to bed
++++++++++++++++
I'm out of bed and made it to my keyboard. What more can the world want?

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 05 Feb 2014 10:46:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
This morning I had another one of my genius ideas: With space travel taking some, albeit tentative steps, I thought of establishing an e-mail service for those going to the Moon and to Mars.

Inspired by Gmail (tm), I'm going to call them Gmoon and Gmars respectively.

However, I was unsure what name to give to my server and so I asked my wife. She suggested Gmoron.

Typical.

Even though I should be used to it by now, I was deeply hurt by her lack of appreciation for my genius.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 06:31:15 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Aw, Mom!! <adultish>

15 Things Moms Say To Themselves But Should Probably Never Say Out Loud

- I can't wait for the day when I can drink with my kids instead of because of them.

- Having kids is the first of many bad parenting choices.

- Making sure my single friends know how hard it is to be a mom is almost as exhausting as being a mom.

- The best thing about being a new mom is the lower tolerance from not drinking for nine months.

- I worry about what my kids see online especially if it is my complaints about them on my mommy blog.

- Searching Pinterest to find fun activities to do with my kids is a great way to avoid spending time with my kids.

- I love the sound of unconscious children.

- I love spending time with my children except when they are sick, hungry, tired, or annoying.

- I want my kids to be good at math but not so good that they can count how many glasses of wine I've had.

- Having kids reminded me why I didn't want to have kids.

- I wish my kids would leave me alone while I repeatedly refresh Facebook to see who liked my post about my kids.

- Technically, you're not drinking alone if your kids are home.

- My summer vacation is sending my kids to camp.

- The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.

- If jumping in the shower after a long day with the kids is the closest thing I'm getting to a vacation, you'd better believe I'll be masturbating until I run out of hot water.

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