The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, February 02, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. We Can Still Work, Right? (George Matyjewicz)
2. GROUNDHOG DAY (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
3. A SUPERBOWL? (Marsha Coleman)
4. Dear Diary <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. You Thought You Had A Choice? (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2014 12:37:22 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: We Can Still Work, Right?

A man stopped at a gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the workers, "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the government," one of them said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow, "Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2014 09:50:58 -0800
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: GROUNDHOG DAY

Tribune wire reports
10:52 a.m. CST, February 2, 2014
Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow on Sunday and predicted six more weeks of winter, much to the chagrin of those hoping for an early spring.

The rotund rodent exited his subterranean residence at Gobblers Knob in the western Pennsylvania town of Punxsutawney around 7:30 a.m. on Groundhog Day. The fuzzy forecaster made his appearance to the shouts of "groundhog," as eager spectators waited to see whether the groundhog - as the legend goes - will see his shadow and predict six more weeks of snow and freezing temperatures. If he does not, we can expect an early spring.

This year, Phil predicted that winter will stretch on.
- - - - - - - -

FUN ON GROUNDHOG'S DAY
By Barbara Walker
There are shadows you make in the sunshine,
There are shadows you make by the lamp,
There are shadows that lurk in the forest
While you tell creepy stories at camp.

There are shadows that help you with puppets,
And shadows; you make just for play,
But the shadow that's famous is Groundhog's,
When he tells whether winter's to stay.

Let's go out very early this morning
And watch for his shadow, my son;
It may not be at all scientific,
But you've got to admit that it's fun!
- - - - - - - -

TO THE GROUNDHOG
Will you
Won't you
See your shadow?

Will it
Won't it
Really matter?

Do you
Don't you
Grin to see

People
Take you
Seriously?

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2014 12:07:57 -0600
From: Marsha Coleman
Subject: A SUPERBOWL?

Well, Hilda ... is it by Wedgewood or by Waterford Crystal?

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 03 Feb 2014 11:47:16 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
This morning I got an e-mail that said I can have sex at 68.

This is great news because I live nearby, at N. 74 -- and I don't even have to cross the street.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 3 Feb 2014 06:46:42 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: You Thought You Had A Choice?

From: XYZ COMPANY INC.
TO: Manufacturing Staff
SUBJECT: Inclement Weather Policy

Since we have many new staff members who have joined us due to the large number of casualties incurred during the last couple months, I thought it best to restate our Inclement Weather Policy.

Basically, the policy is:
1) The building is always open.
2) You are coming to work. There is no way you are getting a day off with pay.
3) In the event hell does freeze over you can listen to any of the local radio or television stations. In fact you can listen to any radio station or watch any television station you please. What you will find out is that hell may be closed, but you are still coming to work.

Once again we ask you to use your best judgment in determining your method of travel. We suggest ice skates, or perhaps a dogsled (we've heard huskies are very sure-footed).

Keep in mind you have the following options:
1. Come to work
2. Come to work
3. Come to work

Please feel free to whine about the fact that IBM, GLAXO, Northern Telecom etc. are closed. We don't care. If you have any other questions regarding this policy, we suggest that you find employment elsewhere.

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