The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, February 01, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Go the F**k to Sleep <explicit language> (Phil G)
2. Nine words women use (Grady Lacy)
3. Rear View (George Matyjewicz)
4. Ask your pharmacist (Richard Nehrbass)
5. Political Aphorisms (Richard Nehrbass)
6. Save Us, Punxsutawney Phil! (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 17:24:43 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Go the F**k to Sleep <explicit language>

Lullaby poems from "Go the Fuck to Sleep," by Adam Mansbach,
a children's book for adults:

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed,
my dear Please go the fuck to sleep.

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl,
run, and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.

The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the fuck to sleep.

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It's been thirty-eight minutes already.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.

The seeds slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview's over.
I've got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep.

This room is all I can remember.
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.

Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you're fucking asleep.

We're finally watching our movie.
Popcorn's in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You've gotta be kidding.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 1 Feb 2014 17:42:26 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Nine words women use

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. It's also a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot.' That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying....Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 1 Feb 2014 19:30:48 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Rear View

My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house.

"Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen?" he asked my nephew.

"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my house."

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 01 Feb 2014 17:03:41 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Ask your pharmacist <adultish>

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister"..

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses"

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 03:48:36 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Political Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. - Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. - Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. - John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. - Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. - Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. - Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. - Will Rogers

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2014 08:39:50 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Save Us, Punxsutawney Phil! <political>

It's so cold, Punxsutawney Phil plans on texting his prediction this morning.

Groundhog Lore: If Punxatawney Phil walks thru my garden and sees a red dot between his eyes, spring will never come.

Handlers in Gobbler's Knob lifted Punxsutawney Phil from his hole this morning, and found Donald Trump's head underneath.

If Punxsutawney Phil predicts six more weeks of winter, I predict President Obama will say, "I inherited this groundhog from Bush."

Punxsutawney Phil sees Chris Christie's shadow, says fourteen more weeks of winter.

PNN: Making you more informed and obnoxious than when you woke up.
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