The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, January 30, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Golden Years (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Perks Of Reaching 50 (Mickey Hennigan)
3. Dear Diary <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Slipping Away (Paul Benoit)
5. W C Fields and pancakes (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2014 17:51:48 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Golden Years

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat-down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all,"Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought his mobile had dropped out, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me," he barked, "I dropped you off!!!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2014 08:14:15 -1000
From: Mickey Hennigan
Subject: The Perks Of Reaching 50

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run ... anywhere.
04. People call at 9 P.M. and ask. "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 5 P.M.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 12:44:55 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
In order to try and stay awake during the Sermon, I gulped six Red Bulls (TM) before going to Church -- and it worked!

I did stay awake, but the Congregation was shocked to see me running around the Church naked flapping my arms and shouting, "I got Wiiings!"

Also, Mrs. MM did not speak to me for three days.

Typical.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 06:15:04 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Slipping Away

Amos and Seth built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Seth to Amos. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2014 10:14:50 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: W C Fields and pancakes

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves." - W.C. Fields

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