The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Play Your Age (George Matyjewicz)
2. Assorted humor (Joe Whalen)
3. Career History (Randall Woodman)
4. Progress (Lee Bradley)
5. DRIVER'S LICENSE (Mickey Hennigan)
6. And that's how the fight started (Grady Lacy)
7. Yeah, You Just Know (Paul Benoit)
8. A Day at the Races (Gerry Skau)
9. Illusions/delusions <adultish> (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 12:10:18 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Play Your Age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?"

He then walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The croupier replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 2
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 12:12:33 -0500
From: Joe Whalen
Subject: Assorted humor

So, Grandma, how's the new hearing aid?
Works great. I've already changed my will three times.

As the hunt progressed, one visiting hunter stood out due to his shooting prowess. He was invited back for the next hunt by the club president.

"Thanks," he said, "but it's possible that I'll be a little late."

During the next outing, the club president noted that the hunter used his right forefinger on the trigger. Last time he had used his left forefinger. He asked our hunter about this.

"Oh," said our hunter, "whenever I get up early to go hunting and my wife is
lying on her right side, I shoot with my right hand. If she's lying on her
left side, then I shoot with my left hand."

"But your wife could also be sleeping on her back."

"That's when I'll be a little late."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 3
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 10:52:27 -0800 (PST)
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: Career History

I just lost my job as a Psychic. I did not see that coming.
I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn't do it anymore.
I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
I applied for a job in Australia, but seems I don't have the right koalifications.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 4
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 15:25:01 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Progress

A student was stumped by a question on her sociology exam: "Is the percentage of crime increasing or diminishing? Why?"

Finally she wrote: "Diminishing, because at the time of Cain and Abel, fully half the children were murderers."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 5
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 11:14:56 -1000
From: Mickey Hennigan

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 6
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 18:36:36 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: And that's how the fight started.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 7
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2014 06:39:31 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Yeah, You Just Know

You know you're getting old when: look in the mirror and say, "Dad?"'ve run out of things to learn the hard way.'ve heard your own self say, "Because I told you so, that's why!"
.....your joints are more accurate than a weatherman. need a vacation, from your vacation! really learn what the statute of limitations is all about. the time you find temptation, you're too tired to give in to it.

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 8
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 20:12:05 -0500 (EST)
From: Gerry Skau
Subject: A Day at the Races

So a guy decides to take his wife and enjoy a day at the horse races together. However, after the first race, he collapses, falls to the ground, still clutching his ticket.

A doctor sees this and rushes up and starts working on him.

"Oh doctor!" says his wife. "Is he still alive?"

"Only in the double," the doctor replies.

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 9
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2014 10:54:23 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Illusions/delusions <adultish>

Sametta, a virgin who encouraged all her classmates to follow her chaste example, was in nursing school, and during her final oral exams, the professor asked, "What part of the human body can expand to ten times its normal size and then can shrink back almost immediately?"

Sametta stammered and faltered and answered, "Uh, professor, I'd rather not say."

The professor responded, "Well, I'll tell you; it's the pupil of the eye. And I'll tell you something else: you have a great imagination, but you're going to experience a great let-down one of these days."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert