The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. If You Love Something (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Sonic Scream (Gerry Skau)
3. S O T U Tonight <political parody> (Paul Benoit)
4. Punography (Mickey Hennigan)
5. That's how the fight started (Grady Lacy)
6. Why old men don't get hired (Lanny Julian)
7. Q&A du jour <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. CH-CH-CH-CHIA!! I Mean CH-CH-CH-CHILLY!! (Paul Benoit)
9. Love Story (Lanny Julian)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 17:13:23 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: If You Love Something

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ... you either married it or gave birth to it.

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 14:15:31 -0500 (EST)
From: Gerry Skau
Subject: The Sonic Scream

Breaking News: Source of Sonic Wave Level Scream Heard Countrywide Identified

The NSA, FBI, CIA and the American military announced that they had traced the origin of a Sonic Wave level scream heard not only nationwide but in most countries of the world as well.

"Apparently it's snowing in Florida and snow has touched the feet and bodies of most Floridians, resulting in a statewide scream of pain and outrage." a spokesman announced.

Florida citrus growers, along with Florida's smugness toward northerners, is expected to take a major hit over the next few days.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 16:33:59 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: S O T U Tonight <political parody>

Republicans Promise to Respond to State of Union with Grumpiest Faces Ever
by Andy Borowitz

As President Obama prepares to deliver his State of the Union address tonight, congressional Republicans are promising to respond with what they call their grumpiest faces ever.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) confirmed that the G.O.P. have been practicing in front of mirrors for weeks in the hopes of creating just the right grouchy-face look for the TV cameras.

"Tonight, President Obama is going to lay out his vision for this country," he said. "We owe it to the American people to look like someone just pissed in our cornflakes."

For some, the task of looking crabby "is just another day at the office," said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), widely viewed by his fellow-Republicans as the reigning sourpuss in Congress.

"It's a gift I have," he said. "It's one of the perks of being a steaming cauldron of spite."

Perhaps the most sustained performance of sulkiness will fall to House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who will be seated behind the President and therefore will be on camera for the entire duration of the address.

"There's a lot of pressure on me to look sullen for an entire hour, but I'm up to it," he said. "It helps that I will be in the same room with so many people I despise."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:49:41 -1000
From: Mickey Hennigan
Subject: Punography

*I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
*When chemists die, they barium.
*Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
*I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
*How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
*I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
*This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
*I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
*At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
*A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
*PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
*Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
*Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
*The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
*The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
*Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
*When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
*What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
*Broken pencils are pointless.
*What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
*England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
*I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
*All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
*I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
*Velcro - what a rip off!
*Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
*Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
*Earthquake in Washington obviously the government's fault.
*I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 21:53:03 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: That's how the fight started

I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 22:25:08 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Why old men don't get hired

Subject: Why old men don't get hired:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

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Message: 7
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 12:49:46 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Q&A du jour <adultish>

Q. What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
A. Your whoroscope.

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Message: 8
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 06:40:05 -0500
From: Paul Benoit

It's so cold, it's becoming stylish to wear two or three wigs or toupees at once.

It's so cold, road rage drivers are giving the whole mitten when they pass slow drivers.

It's so cold, 'freezing' has been re-classified as a Heat Wave.

It's so cold, people in Toronto were seen huddling around Rob Ford's crack pipe.

It's so cold, even the snowflakes are getting freezer burn.

It's so cold, global warming opponents are completely convinced they won the debate. Now they're going on about "global freezing."

It's so cold, even on the milder days, cups of coffee turn into slushies.

It's so cold, you can't remove your hat or your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain.

It's so cold, I opened my front door and the porch light came on.

It's so cold, I had to light a match to use my lighter.

It's so cold, my neighbors let their dog out and it crapped in its own yard.

It's so cold, Gov. Chris Christie's car seat warmer said, "I don't have enough power for this!"

It?s so cold, my car's anti-freeze needs anti-freeze.

It's so cold, I called Dominos and they delivered a frozen pizza.

It's so cold, the Statue of Liberty ordered a fur coat on, size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL

It's so cold, even my mother-in-law seems warm.

It's so cold, there is no need to convert from centigrade to Fahrenheit.

It's so cold, golden showers have now gone mainstream.

It's so cold, it takes less than 10 minutes for "I feel freezing" to change to "I don't feel anything."

It's so cold, you can literally shit a brick.

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Message: 9
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2014 09:36:52 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Love Story

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert