The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, January 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Blind Date (George Matyjewicz)
2. Cover That Up!! <political satire> (Paul Benoit)
3. Bullying advice <adultish> (Renaud (Ron) OLGIATI)
4. Winter Boots (Grady Lacy)
5. Gun Control (Randall Woodman)
6. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. But Why? (Paul Benoit)
8. Advance Abstract of Obama's State of the Union Address <political> (Phil G)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 12:05:15 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Blind Date

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 16:35:18 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Cover That Up!! <political satire>

PUTIN WARNS GAYS AGAINST FLAMBOYANT DISPLAYS AT OLYMPICS
by Andy Borowitz www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport

Russian President Vladimir Putin said today that gay spectators should feel welcome at the upcoming Winter Olympics but warned them against "any flamboyant displays that draw unnecessary attention to themselves."

"The Olympics have always been, and should always be, about the athletes," President Putin said. "Any attempt by homosexuals to flaunt their bodies in a way that is distracting, provocative, or arousing will be frowned upon."

"Specifically, gay spectators should remain fully clothed at all times, and resist the temptation to unveil their chiseled biceps or shredded abdominals," he said.

"Furthermore," he added, "under no circumstances should gays oil, grease, or otherwise lubricate their torsos in an effort to highlight their glistening, ripped pectorals."

He closed his remarks with one final warning for gay spectators in Sochi: "Remember, this is the Olympics. It is strictly forbidden for you to expose your thighs, buttocks, or especially your nipples, erect from the frigid Russian air."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 18:35:02 -0300
From: Renaud (Ron) OLGIATI
Subject: Bullying advice <adultish>

Next time the bully asks for your lunch money, tell him you left it on his mother's dresser.

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 19:35:34 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She'll be eligible for parole in three years!

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 18:47:05 -0800 (PST)
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: Gun Control

It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets. The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 09:25:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Vladimir Putin bans "gay flamboyance" at Sochi Olympics opening ceremony; that includes colors, costumes, music, and choreography

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 06:34:58 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: But Why?

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
They say everything happens for a reason. Someday I'd like to know the reason.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 8
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 09:51:05 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Advance Abstract of Obama's State of the Union Address <political>

The advance abstract includes all of the most meaningful things President Obama will say in his address to the American people on Tuesday night:

"My fellow Americans ... I never said it was going to be easy ... doing better, but there's still a ways to go ... green jobs, let me be clear ... blah, blah, blah ... I am ... I want ...I'm wondering ... blah, blah, blah. Thank you very much."

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