The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, January 26, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. A Drunk <sexist> (Emko Witteveen)
2. No "I" In Team (George Matyjewicz)
3. Soup (Gerry Skau)
4. SAY IT AINT SO!! <political parody/long> (Paul Benoit)
5. Sad signs of the times (Lee Bradley)
6. Q&A du jour <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Miss Maggie T says ... <adultish> (Marsha Coleman)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2014 12:54:03 -0700
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: A Drunk <sexist>

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.

"Shuure ave mate," grins Steve.

"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

It is better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it. - Hiram Kasten

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2014 16:37:44 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: No "I" In Team

One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no "I" in team."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2014 20:57:58 -0500 (EST)
From: Gerry Skau
Subject: Soup

Diner: "What is this in my bowl"

Waiter: "It's bean soup,"

Diner: "Be that as it may, what is it now?"

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 06:37:36 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: SAY IT AIN'T SO!! <political parody/long>

Velveeta Shortage Just A Small Part Of Government's War On Cheese
by Rex W. Huppke
2014 Chicago Tribune Company,0,4962414.story

By now, most of you have learned that America is facing a Velveeta shortage the likes of which we've never seen.

Stores are reporting empty shelves where bricks of the luscious cheese-like substance were once stacked. And in homes across the country, mac is going un-cheesed, chili is being served "sin (without) queso" and hardworking Americans are being forced to dip their chips into bowls of mud or gravel.

Officials from Kraft have been unable - or perhaps unwilling - to explain how the nation's strategic processed cheese product reserves have dwindled. But I think we all know the answer: Obamacare.

Let's look at the evidence. Obamacare officially went into effect Jan. 1. Before Jan. 1, nobody was talking about a Velveeta shortage. But after Jan. 1? THAT'S when the Velveeta fountains ran dry.

This isn't speculation, folks, these are just facts.

I went to a searchable version of the Affordable Care Act and found no mentions of "Velveeta" or "cheese" or "ban on dips." Of course, there are also no references to "death panels" or "socialized medicine," so the absence of specific cheese-related language raises plenty of red flags.

And there's no way this stops with Velveeta. Soon the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be rationing Stilton and brie and, before you know it, our pizzas will be nothing but dough and sauce.

Since Barack Obama was first elected in 2008, I've been predicting that the government would eventually try to take away our cheese. That's why the second-story addition on my house is made entirely of Kraft singles and my basement is lined with a 10-inch layer of Gouda. (I also carry a concealed can of Cheez Whiz at all times.)

But I worry about those who aren't prepared. I don't want to see my fellow Americans fall victim to unclogged arteries or the notoriously violent Velveeta black market.

So it seems legal action is necessary. I'm sure some will say a lawsuit over cheese is just a frivolous attempt to cast Obamacare in a negative light, to which I say, "Yes. Yes, it is. What's it to you?"

It's not unlike a federal lawsuit filed last week by Sen. Ron Johnson of Wisconsin against the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, claiming the government should not help pay for the health care costs of members of Congress and their staffs.

You see, under the Affordable Care Act, lawmakers and their staffs have to go on the Obamacare health exchanges. The Office of Personnel Management, which oversees federal worker benefits, ruled that these government employees would continue to receive a subsidy to offset their health care costs.

Johnson believes that's unfair because regular Americans who go on the exchanges don't get that same subsidy.

I applaud his staunch opposition to this cheese-stealing law.

Granted, every person who has employee-provided health insurance receives a "subsidy," in that the employer pays a part of their health care costs. And what the federal workers in question are getting now is the same thing they got before Obamacare existed.

And, yes, it's true that Wisconsin Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner, Johnson's Republican colleague, called the lawsuit "an unfortunate political stunt" and said in a statement: "(T)he employer contribution he's attacking is nothing more than a standard benefit that most private and all federal employees receive ? including the President."

But just because a few silly facts contradict the point of a lawsuit, that doesn't mean you don't file the lawsuit anyway. That's Governing 101.

So I'm calling on Sen. Johnson to amend his lawsuit so it also addresses the 50,000-pound block of processed cheese in the room. (Or in this case, absent from the room because it was confiscated by the government.)

Along with this health care subsidy business, the suit should go after the Obamacare law's transparent attempts to rid the nation of cheese and cheese-like products.

The American people demand answers:
- Is it true that doctors have been ordered to declare every American lactose intolerant?

- Are all Velveeta production facilities being converted into reprogramming camps that will turn our children into soy-loving hippies?

- Are congressional employees receiving special cheese subsidies (SubsiCheese?) unavailable to regular Americans?

I reached out to Sen. Johnson via Twitter: "I think OBAMACARE is responsible 4 the Velveeta shortage. Do you want 2 add that 2 ur lawsuit?" Please let me know. #USA"

I received no response, but I imagine that, being from Wisconsin, he is busy on the front lines of the War on Cheese.

We can only hope the senator does something soon. Before we face a dipless Super Bowl, and fading memories of a nation once built on cheese.


-- Kraft Foods has announced that there may be a shortage of Velveeta for some customers over the next few weeks; New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 08:05:57 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Sad signs of the times

A gangster buys a handgun to give to his son on the boy's 16th birthday. The son, however, doesn't want it and trades it at the pawn shop for a nice watch. When he returns home and shows his watch, the gangster flips out: "Stupid boy! When one of your classmates gives you S#!T, whatcha gonna do? Tell him what time it is?"

Alternate version:
The gun is a gift for the son's wedding. He swaps it for a watch. Furious, papa says, " You fool! You come home at one o'clock in the morning and find a man in bed with your wife. You gonna tell him what time it is?"

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 15:08:25 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Q&A du jour <adult>

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 10:34:22 -0600
From: Marsha Coleman
Subject: Miss Maggie T says ... <adultish>

Miss Maggie T says ... I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap bag and dragged through the mountains.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert