The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, January 24, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. What's The Big Deal? (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dear Diary <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. Wait, WHAT?! <adultish> (Paul Benoit)
4. Father, I kinda took a little lumber (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2014 12:17:57 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: What's The Big Deal?

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 09:16:49 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adult>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I told Mrs. MM I was going to watch "Judge Judy" and she was surprised because she knows I don't care for that TV show. At some point she walked into the lounge and said in shock, "That's not Judge Judy!"

Actually, it was a video, "Judge Judy does the Jury" but I equably brought to her attention that, apart from the nudity and the sex, both minor details, the difference is purely semantic.

However, she was totally unconvinced and made hurtful and rather judgmental comments about my choice of entertainment.

Typical.

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 08:06:12 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Wait, WHAT?! <adultish>

He asked her what she wanted, and got excited when she told him, "A long, strong, stiff one."

You should have seen his look of disappointment when she clarified: "I meant a drink!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 25 Jan 2014 11:28:31 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Father, I kinda took a little lumber

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, You are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

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