The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, January 23, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Fine With The Rules (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Purina Diet (Bill Edwards)
3. Reality trumps art (Again): "Martian Jelly Doughnut" mystery solved (RLB)
4. State Of Emergency <political> (Paul Benoit)
5. Irish Priest in Texas (Grady Lacy)
6. A gift from God <possibly blasphemous> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Brr-rr-rrrr-rrrrr!! How Cold Is It? (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 17:42:00 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Fine With The Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 13:58:59 -0500
From: Bill Edwards
Subject: The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at the Publix Grocery buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Blackie, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 21:51:04 +0200
From: RLB
Subject: Reality trumps art (Again): "Martian Jelly Doughnut" mystery solved

"Mysterious Mars Rock Looks Like 'Jelly Donut,' Defies Explanation"
http://www.space.com/24356-mars-rock-mystery-opportunity-rover-photos.html (2014)

Mystery solved: "The desperate Martians try to blow the Earth up using the D.O.D. (Doughnut Of Destruction), but it falls apart instead. The Martians finally realize they made a horrible mistake."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaced_Invaders (1990)

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 16:34:59 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: State Of Emergency <political>

BREAKING NEWS from PNN.news.com

-- This Week on FOX News:
West Virginia in state of emergency after coal-related chemicals contaminate drinking water.
Was EPA over-regulation responsible?

PNN:
Making you more informed and obnoxious than when you woke up.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
? 2014 PBen News Network, Inc. "We say it, you believe it."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 23:49:32 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Irish Priest in Texas

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be
so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2014 10:28:14 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: A gift from God <possibly blasphemous>
To: humorlist@thehumorlist.com

Yesterday, Pope Francis called the Internet, "A gift from God."

The LORD immediately sent him an e-mail to express His appreciation, whilst people downloading porn have found a divine justification for their Internet activities.

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2014 06:27:26 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Brr-rr-rrrr-rrrrr!! How Cold Is It?

It's so cold, I saw a snowman breaking into a house.

It's so cold, when I got undressed for bed, my wife asked me whether I had had a sex change.

It's so cold, firewood is outselling weed in Colorado.

It's so cold, my assets are frozen.

It's so cold, today's forecast is "holy crap I can't feel my freaking face" degrees.

It's so cold, ice fishermen are only catching frozen fish.

It's so cold, the Republicans in the truck stop restroom really *are* just cuddling for warmth....

It's so cold, the hookers have a special: Fat Guys Free!

It's so cold, in a desperate attempt to get more down into their clothing, people are stuffing live geese under their coats.

It's so cold, I'm looking for a witch's tit to warm up on.

It's so cold, the NJ governor was burning effigies of himself.

It's so cold, that thing on Donald Trump's head was actually wearing a thing on its head.

It's so cold, strippers are getting stuck to their poles.

It's so cold, people are sinning on purpose just to go to hell.

It's so cold, the morning weather map looks like an algebra worksheet ... lots of small, negative numbers.

It's so cold, I saw a squirrel scraping the ice off his nuts.

It's so cold, even members of Congress can't get into a heated argument.

It's so cold, the zoo reported their penguins have disappeared, leaving behind the words "Migrating South!" scratched into the ice of their habitat.

It's so cold, you don't mind when strangers rub up against you on the subway.

It's so cold, all the tellers at the bank were wearing ski masks.

It's so cold, the most interesting man in the world doesn't always drink frozen beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.

It's so cold, the "F" no longer stands for Fahrenheit.

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