The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. First Worry (George Matyjewicz)
2. Doobie Doobie Do <political satire> (Paul Benoit)
3. The Catholic Hair Dryer (Lanny Julian)
4. Headlines <political> (Lee Bradley)
5. Dick <adult> (Paul Benoit)
6. In the Classroom <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. More headlines <adult/political> (Lee Bradley)
8. ObamaCare Finally Simplified <political> (Phil G)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2014 13:02:08 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: First Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2014 16:35:13 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Doobie Doobie Do <political satire>

FOX: OBAMA TO FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BUY POT
by Andy Borowitz www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport

President Obama is about to issue an executive order that would force all Americans to purchase a monthly supply of marijuana, the Fox News Channel reported today.

According to Fox's Sean Hannity, who broke the story, Obama's initiative is part of a broader plan to make weed available and affordable to every individual in the United States.

Under Obama's plan, every American would be required to purchase a government-mandated amount of marijuana per month or face a penalty of up to two thousand dollars.

Hannity said that the President hopes to have the mandatory marijuana plan up and running by 2015, "but they're still working on the Web site."

Appearing on Fox, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) took issue with Obama's recent remark that marijuana was no more dangerous than alcohol: "I saw that as an insult."

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2014 16:57:21 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: The Catholic Hair Dryer

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked a priest who was sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare," was the reply.

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2014 22:16:43 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Headlines <political>

Headline:
Severe turbulence injures 5 on flight bound from Newark Liberty International Airport to Beijing, forcing the plane to return to New Jersey.

Behind the headline:
Governor Chris Christie's staff stands by official statement, "The governor did *not* break wind at the time."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 06:30:53 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Dick <adult>

Q: Why do lawyers always wear ties?
A: It keeps the foreskin from flapping up over their face.

Q: What happens when an Englishman with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
++++++++++++++++

BREAKING NEWS from
PNN.news.com -- Inpsired by the pro-life march this week, the House GOP passed a bill making rape "legal in cases where the woman becomes pregnant."

PNN: Making you more informed and obnoxious than when you woke up.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
2014 PBen News Network, Inc. "We say it, you believe it.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 14:18:36 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: In the Classroom <adultish>

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the blackboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the blackboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson. Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the blackboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 08:46:26 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: More headlines <adult/political>

Headline:
His administration under fire for Bridgegate and Sandygate, Chris Christie takes oath for second term.

Below the headline:
"Kiss my A$$, you *&^!@#$ing &*^%$#ers!! I'm the King of New Jersey, and you'll pay dearly for this. Now go to ^%$$#@(*&^#3ll. "
++++++++++++++++

Headline:
Lawyers for Chinese activist Xu Zhiyong believe conviction is predetermined

Below the headline:
Said an official spokesman for China's government, "This represents great progress for China; we're still going to have the trial first."

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 2014 09:46:28 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: ObamaCare Finally Simplified <political>

ObamaCare -- To insure the uninsured, we first make the insured uninsured, and then make them pay more to be insured again so the original uninsured can be insured for free.

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