The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, January 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Marriage and Men (Emko Witteveen)
2. Getting Forgetful (George Matyjewicz)
3. And then the fight started (Grady Lacy)
4. Elk sex <adultish> (Richard Nehrbass)
5. Calm Down <adult> (Mickey Hennigan)
6. Picking up women in America <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. How Much Could I Get? (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 09:59:52 -0700
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 12:51:27 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Getting Forgetful

Two men were holding up the line outside the turn style before a football game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail ...

"Hang on a minute," said the guy at the gate, "what's that in your mouth?"

"It's the missing ticket!"

As they moved inside his friend said, "You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!"

"'I'm not that stupid," said his friend, "I was chewing last week's date off it."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 18:33:42 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: And then the fight started

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

And then the fight started ...

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 15:57:30 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Elk sex <adultish>

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 18:55:03 -1000
From: Mickey Hennigan
Subject: Calm Down <adult>

The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her
son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife, your daughter, telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation. She didn't get your email."

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 12:56:39 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Picking up women in America <adultish>

Maury is new to America and is also lonely. His coworker Pauly suggests he goes to a singles' bar to meet women.

"And then what do I say to them?" asks Maury.

"Tell them you are an astronaut," offers Pauly, "that's bound to impress them."

On Monday, Maury walks in with a black eye, and Pauly asks, "What happened to you?"

"I went to a singles' bar," explains Maury, "saw this cute young woman and told her I'm an astronaut."

"Why the black eye?" asks Pauly

"Well," I went on to say, "may I dock my rocket at your space station?"

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 06:41:39 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: How Much Could I Get?

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
MrsPerfesser would consider selling my body to science, if it was by the pound.

- The Old Perfesser

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