The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, January 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Ooops! (George Matyjewicz)
2. Like mosquitoes (Lee Bradley)
3. Confucius did not say ... <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. My Dog? <political> (Paul Benoit)
5. Football (George Matyjewicz)
6. How the fight started (Again) (Grady Lacy)
7. Good friends (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 13:13:41 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Ooops!

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy." While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright, said the storekeeper. I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But, added the florist, I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location!" was the reply.

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 18:34:21 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Like mosquitoes

Out at the farm, there was only a neighbor serving as midwife to attend the farmer's wife's birthing. It was in the midst of a storm, and the electricity had been interrupted. The husband is holding a lamp, and suddenly, there's the head of a baby. As soon as she comes, here's her twin brother to pop his head out. Then, the midwife exclaims, "Lord, preserve us; here's a third!"

The husband blows out the lamp, and the midwife shouts, "You idiot! I need that!"

The husband replies, "I think it's the light that's attracting 'em."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 12:19:54 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Confucius did not say ... <adultish>

Children in the back seat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat can cause children.

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 06:41:21 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: My Dog? <political>

I'm getting a little upset at my dog ...
He doesn't think that dogs from other neighborhoods should be allowed to come play in his doggie park; he barks at objects and people that aren't really there; he shows inappropriate interest in the reproductive systems of women he does not know, and shamelessly sticks his nose into their business; he thinks dogs in shelters should figure out how to get adopted on their own; he always relieves himself on the left side of the yard, and *never* relieves himself on a bush; he doesn't like those creepy, stealthy electric cars; he doesn't like people on crutches, people doing exercises, people in hats, people with limps, or people on skateboards; and he wants to eliminate federal agencies, *especially* the U.S. Postal Service....

OMG, it just hit me; my dog is a REPUBLICAN!!

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 09:27:16 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Football

"It was an ideal day for football - too cold for the spectators and too cold for the players." - Red Smith.

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that." - Bill Shankly

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead." - Erma Bombeck

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 10:44:04 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: How the fight started (Again)

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started ...

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2014 11:18:50 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Good friends

Pauly and Maury were traveling to an out-of-state ball game, and their car died out in the middle of nowhere. They spotted the light of a farmhouse and were allowed by the widow-woman there to spend the night.

A year later, the two pals were having a beer, and Maury says to Pauly, "Remember that woman who took us in last year when the car died on our way to a game? I've just gotten a letter from her lawyer. I suppose you whispered a few sweet nothings in her ear without telling me anything, all the while passing yourself off as me."

"Uh," says Pauly, "you got a problem with that? It's been a long time."

"Not at all," says Maury, "the lawyer says she died and left me the farm."

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