The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, January 18, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Signs You Have A Bad Lawyer (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Age of Innocence (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. The Flying Nun (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 18 Jan 2014 18:46:50 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Signs You Have A Bad Lawyer

You met him in prison.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

A prison guard is shaving your head.

Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 14:46:58 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Age of Innocence

At prom night, a girl and her date end up making out in the boy's car. The boy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No," she says.

Things get even hotter, and he asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the girl.

Frustrated, the boy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

She says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 08:26:16 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: The Flying Nun

A Nun was on a plane flying from Chicago to California, when they ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the stewardesses began to look concerned.

Finally, one of them went over to the Nun and said, "Sister, this is really frightening! Do you suppose you could ... I don't know ... do something "Catholic"?"

So she took up a collection.
++++++++++++++++

The pilot comes over the intercom and announces, "I'm so sorry folks. We have lost all of our engines. We will do our best to glide to a landing, but it is likely that we only have a few minutes left."

At this point a Nun stands up, rips her habit off, and declares, "I want a real man to make me feel like a woman just once in my life!"

A man a few rows over stands up, rips off his shirt and declares, "Here! Iron this and get me a frickin' beer."

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