The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, January 17, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Actual Answers From Fifth Grade Science Tests (George Matyjewicz)
2. Two thumbs down (Lee Bradley)
3. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. That's A Problem (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2014 14:04:53 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Actual Answers From Fifth Grade Science Tests

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2014 15:22:53 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Two thumbs down

It's a very bad play, poorly written, poorly directed. The actors are stiff, mechanical, terrible. Suddenly, a doctor stands up in the audience and speaks - "Is there an actor in the house?"

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 18 Jan 2014 09:21:10 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
According to the wisdom of the Ancients, "The pen is mightier than the sword" and so I chose a pen when my neighbor challenged me to a duel to defend his wife's honor.

Now that I am convalescing at home after receiving 254 stitches to patch up those sword cuts, I came to the conclusions that the Ancients either had zero wisdom, or they were practical jokers.

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 18 Jan 2014 07:53:01 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: That's A Problem

My drinking problem started the day I found out I'm the only one who can prevent forest fires.

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