The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, January 16, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Nuns Going to Heaven <adultish> (Lanny Julian)
2. My Dog <political> (Randall Woodman)
3. Sufficient Grounds (George Matyjewicz)
4. Good News/Bad News on the ObamaCare Web Site <political> (Phil G)
5. Lost in the Park (Topolski, Leonard P.)
6. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Soup (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 12:23:25 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Nuns Going to Heaven <adultish>

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be?

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, Sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 10:15:25 -0800 (PST)
From: Randall Woodman
Subject: My Dog <political>

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He gets regular doctor visits. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. His housing is also provided to him at no charge. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. All of his costs are picked up by me who has to go out and earn a living every day. OMG, It just hit me, my dog is A DEMOCRAT.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 18:23:13 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Sufficient Grounds

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get a divorce."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 18:48:52 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Good News/Bad News on the ObamaCare Web Site <political>

News item: Independent security professionals testified in Congress that Healthcare.gov has serious security vulnerabilities, and that users of the site could put their computers and personal information at risk.

The Good News: The people in charge of the ObamaCare web site assure the American public that the site is secure and that their personal information is not at risk.

The Bad News: The people in charge of the ObamaCare web site assure the American public that the site is secure and that their personal information is not at risk.

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 19:32:17 -0600
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Lost in the Park

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy, Morris," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost ... I was just too tired to walk home."

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2014 10:18:43 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Egypt: Constitution expected to be approved by 90 percent of the 387 people who voted in the referendum

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2014 06:25:38 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Soup

Goldstein had been going to the same restaurant for ten years. Every day he starts with the same thing, barley soup. One day, as soon as he comes in the waiter brings the soup over to his table.

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says as the waiter starts to walk away.

"What's the matter?" the waiter asks, "Every day you take the same barley soup."

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein repeats.

"You don't want the barley soup?" the waiter says, "I'll bring you something else."

"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein says once more.

"Okay, okay, I'll taste the barley soup," says the waiter, wearily. "Where's the spoon?"

"Aha!"

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