The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Marriage Survivors <language> (Mickey Hennigan)
2. And that's how the fight started (Yet another of several) (Grady Lacy)
3. TODAY'S WORD (Paul Benoit)
4. At the old age home <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Trouble (George Matyjewicz)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2014 08:12:05 -1000
From: Mickey Hennigan
Subject: Marriage Survivors <language>

I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"
++++++++++++++++

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 pm.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas. What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2014 23:36:41 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: And that's how the fight started (Yet another of several)

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ...

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 06:49:19 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: TODAY'S WORD

STRESS
The confusion caused when one's mind overrides the body's basic need to choke the living crap out of some idiot who desperately needs it.

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2014 15:12:50 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: At the old age home <adult>

At the old age home, Judy and Betty are swapping memories about their youth.

Betty asks, "Have you ever tried 69?"

Judy replies, "No, but I have done 37."

Betty is confused. "37 ???"

Judy: "Yes, 37. That's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2014 15:23:16 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Trouble

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"

To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

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