The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. And then the fight started (Grady Lacy)
2. Little Johnny <adult> (Phil G)
3. Miss Maggie T says ... Good things (Marsha Coleman)
4. CRIME!! <parody news site> (Paul Benoit)
5. Maxims for stress management, part deux (Lee Bradley)
6. Spanish Class (George Matyjewicz)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 15:41:58 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: And then the fight started

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started ...

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 16:41:13 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Little Johnny <adult>

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f--king beautiful!''

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 17:13:02 -0600
From: Marsha Coleman
Subject: Miss Maggie T says ... Good things

Miss Maggie T says ... Good things come to those who wait. That's why the early bird gets stuck with a worm.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2014 06:39:33 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: CRIME!! <parody news site>

Burglars Pull Off $37 Heist From Dollar Store
http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200612009

BENTON, Ark. - Benton police and FBI agents are on the search for multiple suspects following the break-in and robbery of the Dollar Tag store on Main Street. Police say the heist netted a massive $37 in cash and merchandise.

"How am I supposed to recover from this?" asked store owner Murry Lipinski. "With my $50 deductible, that makes this a total loss. A total loss!"

Investigators say the thieves used a small amount of Semtex plastic explosive to blow a hole in the wall of the building and then managed to clean out the safe, loot the shelves, and make their getaway all before police could respond to the store's alarm.

"This is organized crime at its top level. This was planned and executed with military precision," said Benton Police Chief Gary Sipes. "This is a terrifying crime committed by professional and organized gangsters."

In fact, FBI agents joined the investigation because this robbery marked the fifth time in just six weeks that a Dollar Tag store was hit, and the first time the thieves crossed state lines. The Benton robbery is by far the largest so far, almost double the amount stolen from the Dollar Tag in Bethany, Okla. last month.

Surveillance tape from the store showed at least four people entering the building, with two of them then spray-painting the security cameras and blocking any further view. Investigators say of the four, three are men and one is believed to be a woman.

Anyone with information about the robbery is asked to call the Benton Police Department. No reward is being offered at this time, but witness protection is available if an eye-witness report leads to an arrest.

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2014 08:26:05 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Maxims for stress management, part deux

- Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 17:15:20 GMT
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Spanish Class

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

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