The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, January 13, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Sensa <political> (Phil G)
2. Aftermath of the fight (Grady Lacy)
3. A Quiet Romantic Dinner (Lanny Julian)
4. Dear Diary <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Energy Efficient <political> (Paul Benoit)
6. Maxims for Stress Management (Lee Bradley)
7. Listening (George Matyjewicz)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2014 13:30:33 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Sensa <political>

The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) is fining four companies that the agency claims used false advertising to sell weight-loss products. One of the companies, Sensa, was fined $46 million. It claimed that sprinkling its product (it comes in a salt shaker-like package) on food dramatically aided in appetite suppression and weight loss.

"The chances of being successful just by sprinkling something on your food are slim to none," Jessica Rich, director of the FTC's consumer protection bureau, said in a statement. "Besides, the only person in the United States allowed to promise that magic dust will accomplish miracles is President Obama."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2014 13:57:48 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Aftermath of the fight

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2014 20:47:53 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: A Quiet Romantic Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a high-class restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. The man continued to stare straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and began by saying to the man tactfully: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man looked up at her and replied calmly: "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 11:03:38 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adult>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Last night, Mrs. MM and I were preparing to go to sleep. I got in bed, but Mrs. MM laid down on the floor.

I asked her, "Why are you on the floor?"

She replied, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

What was she trying to say?

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 06:52:05 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Energy Efficient <political>

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
I believe I will be able to run my car on politicians' promises.
I've almost got the fool injection system working.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2014 08:51:10 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Maxims for Stress Management

- Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- Drive carefully.. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

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Message: 7
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2014 16:15:44 -0500
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Listening

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"

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