The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, January 12, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. February 20th <political> (Richard Nehrbass)
2. Food Labels (Paul Benoit)
3. Golden Adjectives and Nouns (Lee Bradley)
4. Nurse to patient (Joe Whalen)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2014 19:31:48 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: February 20th <political>

I was eating breakfast with my 13-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is the 20th of February?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2014 06:31:39 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Food Labels

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat, and fat ... but great personality.
(via The Chef @ Worldwide Recipes)

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2014 08:08:48 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Golden Adjectives and Nouns

Selected gems from "The Highly Selective Dictionary of Golden Adjectives for the Extraordinarily Literate," by Eugene Ehrlich.

dissuade: to change someone's (stupid) mind
disseude: to change someone's (stupid) shoes

digest: to break down a meal for nutrition
dijest: to break down a joke for comprehension

blasphemy: profane language towards God
blasfemy: profane language towards women

sentinel: one who watches for trouble
sintinel: one who looks for trouble

halloween: the day before All Saints Day
helloween: the day before a family or high school reunion

curmudgeon: a man made ill-tempered by his nature
curmadgeon: a man made ill-tempered by his wife

incumbent: an officeholder before an election
recumbent: an officeholder after an election

ephemeral: short-lived
efemeral: short-tempered

fornication: sex
formication: ant sex

irenic: supporting peace
ironic: supporting Reagan

moribund: a state at the point of death
moribond: a State at the point of debt

postprandial: after a meal
postprundial: after a laxative

prelapsarian: before the fall from Grace
prelapsaurian: before the fall of dinosaurs

raunch: smut
paunch: glut

rebarbativity; the action of objecting
rebardativity: objecting to the acting

unhinged: distraught
unbinged: disdraught

uxorial: typical of or befitting a wife or wives
luxorial: typical of or befitting a wife or wives

vainglorious: given to inordinate boasting
vainborious: ditto

vertiginous: apt to change quickly
blurtiginous: apt to retract quickly

xenophobic: fear of foreign people
xenophotic: fear of foreign photos

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2014 09:21:02 -0500
From: Joe Whalen
Subject: Nurse to patient

Why are you running away from the operating room?

The nurse there said, "Relax, it's just an appendix operation. You'll get through it ok."

"And what's the problem with that?"

"She was talking to the surgeon."

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