The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, January 11, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. And then the fight started (Grady Lacy)
2. About That Bridge <political> (Paul Benoit)
3. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Change Is Good ... And Tasty!! <parody news site> (Paul Benoit)
5. Getting practical (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 2014 15:06:04 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: And then the fight started

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ...

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 2014 22:06:05 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: About That Bridge <political>

from The Late Show with David Letterman
(c) MMV, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.

10. Shocking revelation of corruption in New Jersey?
9. Blamed the whole thing on getting drunk with Dennis Rodman
8. More profanity than "The Wolf of Wall Street"
7. Claimed his heart was broken, but acknowledged it might be obesity-related
6. Said he wasn't a bully, then put Chris Matthews in a headlock
5. Christie's claim he had no idea a bridge connected New Jersey and New York
4. An appearance by the fake sign language guy
3. Boldly took responsibility by blaming everyone but himself
2. Announced plans to execute his uncle

...and the Number One Highlight From The Chris Christie Press Conference:
1. Interrupted press conference to smoke crack

What a shock that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery, huh?

"Politically stupid things, political pranks that turn bad, all that other stuff, every administration -- don''t tell me this doesn't happen in the Obama administration, the Clinton administration, the Bush administration." - Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani [R 9-11] Yeah, it's totally like covering the George Washington Bridge in toilet paper....

Christie Unaware He Was the Governor
. . . . . by Andy Borowitz

At a hastily called press conference today, Chris Christie revealed that he only became aware that he was the governor of New Jersey in the past seventy-two hours.

"Unbeknownst to me, some people I thought I could trust were secretly working to elect me governor of this state," a visibly stunned Christie told reporters. "I have acted swiftly and fired them all."

While asserting that he had terminated all of the people who were involved in the scheme to elect him, he said that, if he finds additional conspirators, "I will deal with them accordingly."

Christie struggled to explain how he remained in the dark about being governor, a position he has held since 2010: "I guess I'm just not much of a detail person. People think I'm a micromanager. I'm not. If a bunch of people are going behind my back and plotting to make me the governor, that's not the kind of thing I pick up on."

Reflecting on his reaction to the news that he is the governor of New Jersey, Christie said he felt "angry, embarrassed, and humiliated, but mainly just sad."

"It's sad that this was allowed to happen," he said. "It's a sad situation for me and for New Jersey."

-- Gov. Christie [R-NJ] will resign to become music promoter. First up: long-awaited reunions of The Cars and Traffic.

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2014 14:08:51 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Chris Christie develops bridge-closing addiction, orders closure of Golden Gate bridge, London Tower bridge, Venice Rialto bridge, bridge on the river Kwai, more to follow.

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2014 08:52:17 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Change Is Good ... And Tasty!! <parody news site>

Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion

Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents.

"Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind."

According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses.

"Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."

The new wafer is the first part of a multi-year branding effort by the Catholic Church to try to inject some life into what many consider to be a stale, outdated religion. The endeavor, dubbed transsubflavorization by the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops, aims to double the membership in two-thirds of congregations within three years, and put the Church back on the path to profitability.

"We have been hurting in that coveted 24-39 demographic for a long time," said New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. "Our goal is to take that holier-than-thou Christmas crowd and get them to show up in the dead of summer when we've got no particular focus and nothing new to say.

"We think programs like Sin-Free Sundays, Double Points Redemption Confessional, and the new Wii Mass will return Catholicism to the glory days of the Crusades," added Dolan.

Egan said Catholic leaders have a littany of other plans they hope to put in place over the course of time to both modernize and energize the religious experience. One forward-thinking concept, the often hotly-debated idea of anointing women as priests, would likely be implemented "only over my crucified body," said Dolan.

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 2014 10:19:24 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Getting practical

Guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert