The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, January 10, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. US Olympic Ski Team News Update <political> (Renaud OLGIATI (Ron))
2. Sounds A Little Gay To Me <political/adult> (Paul Benoit)
3. One night stand (Richard Nehrbass)
4. Correction <political/language> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. We Tol Ja So!! <Daily Current says "faked" story> (Paul Benoit)
6. NJ New State Song <political> (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 14:54:10 -0300
From: Renaud (Ron) OLGIATI
Subject: US Olympic Ski Team News Update <political>

Just weeks ago, Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn tore the anterior cruciate ligament and medial collateral ligament in her right knee and fractured her tibia during a harrowing ski accident in Schlamding, Austria. Vonn was airlifted by helicopter to a hospital in Schladming.

Yesterday, following the accident to Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that her spot on the U.S. Olympic Team would be filled by Barack Obama. U.S. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the spot on the team because no one has ever taken a country downhill faster than he has.

Today, the U.S. Olympic Committee received a complaint from George W. Bush pointing out that he had brought the US down even faster that Obama had managed, and in consequence decided to give Mr Bush the coveted spot on the Olympic Team.

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 16:36:46 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Sounds A Little Gay To Me <political/adult>

If I didn't know any better, I'd say there was a lot of "in the closet" folks in Utah.

Gay Marriage Opponents Call For Uprising In Utah
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/utah-same-sex-marriage-opponents-call-for-uprising

The Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association on Saturday organized a meeting in Highland, Utah to call for an uprising and to express their opposition to same-sex marriage in Utah, Fox 13 Now Salt Lake City reported.

"The people of Utah have rights, too, not just the homosexuals. The homosexuals are shoving their agenda down our throats," Former Graham County, Ariz., Sheriff Richard Mack said at the meeting.

[ yeah, don't need them danged homosexuals shoving their big throbbing gay agenda down our throats! ]

A federal judge in December struck down Utah's ban on same-sex marriage, and courts subsequently denied the state's request for a temporary stay, which would keep counties from issuing marriage licenses to gay couples while the state appeals the ruling.

By the third stay denial, most counties in Utah were issuing licenses to all couples.

Mack said that Gov. Gary Herbert (R) failed the people of Utah.

"State sovereignty supercedes what this judge did," Mack said. "The Governor needs to get some courage and grip."

[> c'mon, now, guvner, get a grip there...... ooh, yeah, right there, oooh, unh..... <]

Cherilyn Eager, one of the event organizers, said that people need to speak out.

"We need people to stand up and speak out. We need to get noisy. We need some outrage," she said. "It is about the sheriffs now coming out to protect the people."

[> "the sheriffs now coming out", and it's about frickin' time!!! <]

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 16:29:23 -0800
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: One night stand

I had this one night stand, and felt so bad about it! The next morning, I ran out and bought another one for the other side of my bed.

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 2014 11:25:52 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Correction <political/language>

The report that Chris Christie closed a lane on the Washington Bridge with his fat ass, though plausible, was found to be untrue.

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 2014 08:48:00 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: We Tol' Ja So!! <Daily Current says "faked" story>

Marijuana Overdoses Kill 37 in Colorado On First Day of Legalization
http://dailycurrant.com/2014/01/02/marijuana-overdoses-kill-37-in-colorado-on-first-day-of-legalization/

Colorado is reconsidering its decision to legalize recreational pot following the deaths of dozens due to marijuana overdoses.

According to a report in the Rocky Mountain News, 37 people were killed across the state on Jan. 1, the first day the drug became legal for all adults to purchase. Several more are clinging onto life in local emergency rooms and are not expected to survive.

"It's complete chaos here," says Dr. Jack Shepard, chief of surgery at St. Luke's Medical Center in Denver. "I've put five college students in body bags since breakfast and more are arriving every minute.

"We are seeing cardiac arrests, hypospadias, acquired trimethylaminuria and multiple organ failures. By next week the death toll could go as high as 200, maybe 300. Someone needs to step in and stop this madness. My god, why did we legalize marijuana? What were we thinking?"

Rainin' Fire in the Sky
Colorado and Washington state approved the sale of marijuana for recreational use in November though statewide ballot measures. Under the new policies pot is legal for adult use, regulated like alcohol and heavily taxed.

One of the principal arguments of legalization advocates was that cannabis has long been considered safer than alcohol and tobacco and was not thought not to cause overdose. But a brave minority tried to warn Coloradans of the drug's dangers.

"We told everyone this would happen," says Peter Swindon, president and CEO of local brewer MolsonCoors. "Marijuana is a deadly hardcore drug that causes addiction and destroys lives.

"When was the last time you heard of someone overdosing on beer? All these pro-marijuana groups should be ashamed of themselves. The victims' blood is on their hands."

One of the those victims was 29-year-old Jesse Bruce Pinkman, a former methamphetamine dealer from Albuquerque who had recently moved to Boulder to establish a legal marijuana dispensary.

Pinkman was partying with friends when he suffered several seizures and a massive heart attack which ultimately proved to be fatal. Toxicology reports revealed that marijuana was the only drug present in his system.

"This is just a terrible tragedy," says his friend Peter. "Jesse was trying to go legit and now this happens? I guess drugs really are as dangerous as they say."

Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, who opposed the ballot initiative that legalized the drug, says he will call a special legislative session to try and overturn the new law.

"We can't sit idly by and allow this slaughter to continue," he said during a press conference Thursday. ++++++++++++++++

"What's to keep somebody from getting all potted up on weed and then getting behind the wheel?" - Steve Doocy, Host, "Fox and Friends"
++++++++++++++++

After drinking alcohol, people tend to run stop signs.
After smoking pot, people tend to wait for stop signs to turn green.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 2014 09:09:54 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: NJ New State Song <political>

Thanks to Brother Jon:

New Jersey Adopts New State Song
I was standing, by my window,
on one cold and cloudy day.
When I saw school buses rolling
For it was the school year's first day.

Chorus
Will the toll lanes be reopened
by and by, Chris, by and by?
There's a White House chance a-fadin',
You can kiss that nomination good-bye.

I said to that big bus driver,
big bus driver, please drive slow.
For that fire truck is a-comin';
through the gate it first should go.

Chorus

And following close behind it
Was an ambulance so brave;
But I saw it could not pass through;
The situation sure was grave.

Chorus

I went back home, it was hopeless;
All those people leaning on their horns.
As they sat there, angry and crying,
but with this "traffic study" they have sworn:

Chorus
Will the toll lanes be reopened
by and by, Chris, by and by?
There's a White House chance a-fadin',
You can kiss that nomination good-bye.

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