The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, January 09, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Password (Maurizio Mariotti)
2. Golf tour in Ireland <adultish> (Lanny Julian)
3. Politico visits farm <political> (Joe Whalen)
4. Wanna Buy A Bridge? <political/extremely long> (Paul Benoit)
5. Obama One-Ups Christie <political> (Phil G)
6. That's when the fight started (Grady Lacy)
7. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. Ya Don't Say! (Paul Benoit)
9. US Olympic Ski Team News <political> (Phil G)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2014 14:41:27 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Password <an oldie>

Please set a password to register.


Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.


Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShoveit, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


Sorry, that password is already in use.

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2014 14:17:42 -0500
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Golf tour in Ireland <adultish>

On a golf tour in Ireland , Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes-Benz into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Phil nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall
out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called 'tees'" replies Phil.

"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Phil.

"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!?"

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2014 15:23:23 -0500
From: Joe Whalen
Subject: Politico visits farm <political>

Former Bavarian president Edmund Stoiber once made a visit to a farm and invited the press to accompany him. A photographer got a shot of him alone in a pigpen with several pigs.

Stoiber admonished the photographer not to write any silly or stupid caption under the picture like: STOIBER AND THE PIGS.

The photographer assured him that everything would be ok.

The picture appeared in the paper the next morning with the caption: Stoiber (3rd from left).

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2014 16:35:34 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Wanna Buy A Bridge? <political/extremely long>

In the news:
Christie Faces Scandal On Traffic Jam Aides Ordered

The mystery of who closed two lanes onto the George Washington Bridge -- turning the borough of Fort Lee, N.J., into a parking lot for four days in September -- exploded into a full-bore political scandal for Gov. Chris Christie on Wednesday. Emails and texts revealed that a top aide had ordered the closings to punish the town's mayor after he did not endorse the governor for re-election.

"Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee," Bridget Anne Kelly, a deputy chief of staff to Mr. Christie, emailed David Wildstein, a high school friend of the governor who worked at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which runs the bridge. ...

["Got it," replied Mr. Wildstein.]

Who else but Chris Christie could have blocked 3 lanes of a bridge?

TODAY'S WORD: a-bridge
1. to reduce the length of (a written work) by condensing or rewriting
2. to curtail; diminish

Gov. Christie's attempt to mitigate damage over "a bridge"
- has exposed an editing of events (1)
- which results in the diminishment of his political aspirations (2)

Gov. Christie should have just said he was "extremely inebriated at the time"....
Hey, it worked for the mayor of Toronto!

Christie Urges Media to Focus on Weight
by Andy Borowitz -

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lashed out at the media today, saying that it had "failed to focus on the single most important issue regarding me, which is my weight."

At a press conference in Trenton, Christie yelled at a room full of reporters, accusing them of doing the public a disservice by not devoting all of their coverage of him to the issue of his body mass.

"How much I've weighed in the past, how much I weigh now, and how much I'm eating - that's all you clowns should be writing about," he yelled. "Anything else is just a distraction."

Adopting a threatening tone, Christie told the reporters, "If you know what's good for you, your next story will be about how tubby I am."

The governor made only one reference to the notorious bridge-closing scandal, offering this alibi: "At the time that decision was made, I was busy shouting at a teacher."

Maybe we should close down all the McDonald's drive-through lanes and see how Chris Christie likes it.

From the Twitterers:

#ChrisChristie is in hot water. Wait, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off. Looks like Chris Christie throwing his weight around finally caught up with him.

"I said block the fridge you idiots not the bridge" Chris Christie on diet plan gone crazy

#ChrisChristie fell off a bridge?

The First Sign of Suspicion Should've Been That Republicans Don't Believe in Fixing Bridges and Infrastructure.

Chris Christie will not be able to eat his way out of this mess. "More gravy!"

Breaking News: #ChrisChristie to appear at the Bridge during rush hours and pass out campaign buttons.

#ChrisChristie is not officially in trouble until FOX News puts a 'D' after his name in an on-screen graphic.

#ChrisChristie shut down the bridge so he could really & truly understand what clogged arteries looked like.

If #ChrisChristie needs some extra cash I'd be happy to give him a bridge loan.

My view of #ChrisChristie's Greek tragedy ==>The Bridge Over The River Hubris

#ChrisChristie has announced an all-you-can-eat buffet at 11am this morning. Sorry, I mean press conference about #bridgegate.

I'm stuck in a huge traffic jam-I think Christie's mad at me

Has #ChrisChristie stopped talking? Cry me a river, build me a bridge, block some lanes of traffic, and get over it.

How to Conduct a Political Scandal in 2014 Without Getting Caught: Don't Do What #ChrisChristie Did

Bridge set me up.

@GovChristie throwing his weight around, expect delays."

#ChrisChristie 's defense: my entire inner staff lied to me, I had absolutely no idea what they were doing

#ChrisChristie is in a lot of hot water today, and soon he'll be throwing 3 lobsters in that hot water.

#bridgegate Apology tour. #ChrisChristie will reach out to Fort Lee and Sara Lee.

What part of it's not my fault but it's my responsibility don't you understand?!

Sounds like #ChrisChristie is channelling Capt. Renault: "I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!"

Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny and ironic if the woman who messed with the bridge was named Bridget?

"I did not have traffic studies with that woman."

Do not be mean about #ChrisChristie. He is looking for a sword to fall on but there is just not one big or strong enough.

Rob Ford and Chris Christie are giving bad-tempered, morbidly obese politicians a bad name....

#ChrisChristie : "I am not a crook however, I *am* the Hamburglar."

Thinking that #ChrisChristie should consider Dennis Rodman on his ticket in 2016. It would be a unique form of diplomacy.

If this #ChrisChristie story gets any more damaging FOX may be forced to find even more Obamacare horror stories.

Anybody time the #ChrisChristie press conference? It was longer than the traffic jam.

"The Bridge in New Jersey that Burned My Bridge to the Whitehouse"--#ChrisChristie Autobiography, coming June of 2016

It's been so cold here in NJ, the only person who's been able to break a sweat is #ChrisChristie.

Somewhere, #ChrisChristie is eating a dozen donuts in despair. Chris Christie is in a white Bronco being pursued by the media in a slow-moving car chase on the Jersey Turnpike on TV right now!

Sorry, Gov. Christie, you can't throw your staff under a bus. That lane's been closed.

From today's press conference:
"The people I hired to represent me in state government in no way represent me or state government."

Campaign Slogan, Gov. Chris Christie [R-NJ]: "The Traffic Stops Here"

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2014 18:56:42 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: Obama One-Ups Christie <political>

President Obama scoffed today at the George Washington Bridge traffic jam ordered, for political purposes, by one of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's aides: "A freakin' bridge? Is closing a bridge all the Republicans can do to make a political point? That's how bereft of leadership they are!"

Obama then reminded everyone that, when he wanted to score political points during the budget shutdown, he closed all of the national parks, including Yosemite, Yellowstone, Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. "That's how you do it," he said. "And we made sure to kick some elderly ass when we shoved those 90-year old WWII veterans away from the barricades we set up at the World War II Memorial. Who do they think they are with their wheelchairs and walkers? They probably didn't vote for me anyway." He then added, "And, hey, if the Republicans want to have a national conversation about venal politics, let them crawl over here and engage the expert."

The NY Times, which has vowed to keep the bridge scandal in the news until 2016, couldn't be reached for comment.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2014 23:44:32 -0500
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: That's when the fight started

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started ...

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:14:19 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Gov. Chris Christie apologizes, announces bipartisan bridge-closing initiative, all bridges in New Jersey to be closed indefinitely.

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 06:22:29 -0500
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Ya Don't Say!

"How was your Christmas?" Jud asked cLeetus.

"Oh, it was jes' fine," said cLeetus. "An' how was your'n?"

"Purty good," said Jud. "At least this year I didn't get any stupid or useless gifts. Did you ever get sump'n that you jes' hated?

"Yeah," said cLeetus, "one year I got one 'a them talking scales. The first thing it said to me was, "One 'a you tubbos has'ta get off!"

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 10:43:07 -0500
From: Phil G
Subject: US Olympic Ski Team News <political>

Just weeks ago, Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn tore the anterior cruciate ligament and medial collateral ligament in her right knee and fractured her tibia during a harrowing ski accident in Schlamding, Austria. Vonn was airlifted by helicopter to a hospital in Schladming.

Yesterday, she bowed out of the 2014 Winter Olympics.

Today, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that her spot on the U.S. Olympic Team would be filled by Barack Obama. U.S. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the spot on the team because no one has ever taken a country downhill faster than he has.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert